CUE MUSIC: The Final Countdown

10 days and counting.

Every hour points us towards this major event that several people have been thinking about, planning, buying things for, organizing, crafting, sweating over, and dreaming about.

And now it's only days away instead of months or weeks!

Last night Brian and I packed up my room and there was the usual tossing the crap purging that occurred, along with brief moments of nostalgia as I came across old photos of past groups of friends or major family events (my sister's wedding, that Fiji trip, Africa 2000...) all of that went into my old leather suitcase for permanent storage. The random cards from random birthdays and/or think yous got reread, and then filed, and then eventually tossed too... but then we came across the journals.

What do I do with the journals? The documentation of a life that is going to be a permanent past attached to a name I will no longer be known by?

I ended up throwing them into the suitcase after thumbing briefly (embarrassing!!) but it finally dawned on me that those memories are going to be replaced a million times over by more significant events and persons.

The things that made me "me" now, are drifting into this strange dimension called my old life as a child, a young adult, a single, a "Wanke". I know people go through this everyday, and I know I kind of expected that, but this time packing up my room was- packing up my old LIFE!!!

This isn't just a cool day ahead with a pretty white dress, bouquets, and dancing after... it's the birth of the next phase of who "me" will grow into. She'll fill new journals with new angst, prayers, and love for people she never knew before. The only thing constant will be her family and Christ. That is attached to such beauty and mixed with a small dose of sadness. Not a mourning, but a goodbye.

I can't help take in my surroundings now everyday. Looking up at the starry sky over the Palisades, appreciating the wealth showed off in the neighbors homes, and watching the sunset over the hillside from the deck of the backyard. Even the job I've had for 5 years is ending! They were all things I knew would eventually pass and never belonged to me. And as I move on, I am so happy, but with a tiny sadness that accompanies that goodbye.

I am starting to understand that whole "long walk down the altar" thing. It never made sense to me before, and now I see it as more than a strange tradition- it's a symbol of the straining towards what is ahead, it's that altar and the entire life waiting for me there. It's center is Christ thank goodness and it's why there is no fear there. I wondered how a wedding could possibly and truly be glorifying to God when it accompanies so many bills and drama, and tears...

(Oh Philippians, how blind I was)

It's a Good, goodbye.

It's why every time I practice saying my vows I can't get through them without crying. It means so much because it's an amazing hello mixed with the sweetness of goodbye.

I couldn't grasp the entire picture until I was almost there.

And it's dawned on me that I have so much more to learn and discover as I walk out the billion of next phases ahead. Things I can't understand yet.

And don't need to.

I just need to keep my eyes ahead, and walk toward that altar without any fear.