Love and Patience

I always secretly thought I was the best at loving and patience.

Then I met people.

Then I thought I was the worst at both. And come to think of it- they didn't do a very good job of both either.

It's been in the forefront of my mind lately how hard it is to "love others" and so it's been my prayer that God will help me do so, and to show me how, because I keep getting to the end of my rope and wanting to let go and walk when I am "loving" them on my own because my current reality seems so hopeless and helpless. But a few weeks ago, one of our sermons about Jesus' story to His disciples about shepherding sheep and the Shepherd's Love for these really dumb and helpless animals reminded me that although his disciples didn't always "get it" Jesus LOVED them. It was the first sermon (besides the one about marriage) that made the tears start to flow. He Loved them. He was God. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit will I ever come remotely close to "loving them" the way Jesus did. But it was enough to help me hang on just a little bit tighter and longer.

Oswald Chambers put it into words for me a few days ago:

The fountains from which love flows are in God, not in us. It is absurd to think that the love of God is naturally in our hearts, as a result of our own nature. His love is there only because it "has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit . . ." ( Romans 5:5 ).If we try to prove to God how much we love Him, it is a sure sign that we really don’t love Him. The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, which flows naturally from His nature within us. And when we look back, we will not be able to determine why we did certain things, but we can know that we did them according to the spontaneous nature of His love in us. The life of God exhibits itself in this spontaneous way because the fountains of His love are in the Holy Spirit.

And suddenly, my understanding of "love" has evolved. Because true love doesn't come from "us" at all. It's part of our transformation through the Holy Spirit. Suddenly, it doesn't seem so daunting or "hard" to Love. There isn't anything even human in it, so there isn't any fear, and it is completely perfect because it's poured into me through the power of the Holy Spirit. Through Jesus. The one that Loved.

I confessed to my Mom a few months ago, that although I came close to marriage- looking back I don't think I've ever been in Love. She told me "that is okay honey, you will, and you'll know it" I'm not annoyed by that statement so much anymore, because she's probably right. But I don't ever want to Love again if it's only me trying to do it, because the end of that rope comes up pretty fast and if the Holy Spirit can love through me (and therefore in place of me) then heck, I'm ready to hang on and enjoy!