Being Secure
A friend of mine was in the same conversation that I was last night after a weekly prayer meeting run by the pastors of our church. In fact, several friends of mine were. I chuckled at one point that it was pretty much my entire girl's group Bible Study (pre-multiplication) and one man. Although anyone reading my blog tends to know the people in my life I am always hesitant to say names. But this male soul came over to us to ask an important question, and he sought a woman's perspective so there were all were.
It's pretty easy to guess what it would have been about. Relationships. Dating. What women want to know, what guys want us to know. All of that was covered or uncovered in the course of less than an hour, and in the end I believe we all felt the same . . . there were no answers.
It wasn't an inappropriate subject for a prayer meeting (just incase you are wondering) it had everything to do with it actually, but there was something inappropriate about all of us trying to hash it out right then & there. Because it can't be done.
I came away from that conversation a bit frustrated (as I always do) but something in me was different this time. This time, when we finished & the man asked us if we had anymore questions, I really didn't. I still don't. It's not because we found answers together either. It's because I made a decision a long time ago (after two failed & heartbreaking relationships) about how I'd find "the one." I just will or I just won't. When people ask me what I want in a man I no longer describe his broad shoulders or his towering height. I no longer prerequisite his taste in music or clothing, nor do I insist he's well-traveled. I no longer do any of this because I have seen the men my Godly women friends have married, and they all look so different and they all have so many different interests . . . but they all have one thing in common, they sought the Lord with their full hearts, and discovered that women right beside them loving God and realized, hey, she's awesome, I want to take care of HER . . . and now there they are, taking care of eachother, and in some cases, kids.
The guy we were talking to struggled a bit with how to answer the question of making a choice - "just choosing a girl". He said that if someone held a gun to his head and forced him to choose he'd be able to make a decision right now based on the women he knows, but there would be a part of him that wondered if he was settling.
I couldn't help but place all us girls surrounding him in that equation - where his decision could only be made under the barrel of a gun and somehow we still are not worth "settling" for. Maybe not for him specifically, but for some other guy looking at the group of us and feeling "forced" to settle.
I guess I don't expect to be someone's everything anymore. I did, and that sort of ruined things for the both of us in the end. But you know, as frustrating as all of this is to understand, I'm okay with it remaining simple. So simple that we'll NEVER know answers ahead of time about where to find the one, how to pick, and when to do so . . . it'll just happen in it's own special way- under God's hands and in his perfect timing.
And if whoever "he" is looks at me under a barrel of a gun and is "forced" to choose me and still wonders if he settled . . . I am finally confident enough to know he didn't. I know that should God call me to be someone's wife, I'll do my best but beyond all of that "doing" I'll love the Lord all the same. Maybe it's okay to doubt. Maybe I'll doubt the man I marry. Deep down though, no matter what I hope the man I marry won't doubt his own heart & who it belongs to because I no longer doubt mine.
Maybe that is too tall an order. It's okay. I'm used to waiting.
