Okay... time to cut loose.

No more pity parties, no more stressing. Let's focus on that Party!

Mercy Triumphs over Judgement

I am ashamed to admit that I am everything I hoped I'd never be. I have had thoughts I never wanted to think, and done things I never wanted to do. I'm not talking about "all of my life", I'm talking about planning this wedding.

I was so good at seeking God and sitting at His feet in the midst of my loneliness and sorrow, disappointments and rejections when I was single. I was so good at "waiting on the Lord" and drawing comfort there when I had no one else to comfort me. It was easy to lean on my Father when everything was hard and wrong, and then something changed. My earthly dreams all came true at once, and although I really DID stop and point it back to Christ ever grateful for his mercies in my life, I went and walked on without Him after that.

I didn't stop believing in Him, but I stopped leaning. I stopped learning about His promises, and I stopped spending time in the kinds of prayers that allowed us to become so incredibly close these past 10 years. It wasn't because I was ungrateful, but it is because I am self-righteous. Because all those anguish filled prayers started from a place of "want" and "desire" that remains there now. Drawing close to God with them meant that HE got to mold them and tame them and break them and so when it got all good, and I became distracted with Headcounts, deadlines, and ceremony time lines those desires just flourished there and matured and grew legs, and wings, and started owning me because they stopped being owned by Christ.

I don't know what I could have done differently, because I didn't expect that. I mean, if you become so close with someone, how could you ever expect not to be close to them forever? It's been a shocking wake-up call.

This season of celebration has come alongside a sorrow I did not expect, and it is because going forward our hope was always that our marriage would glorify God, and yet I never really did the heart work to allow it. Suddenly, everything else took a spot in my heart that belonged to Christ- the opinions of others, the schedules, even the laughter.

Brian and I were asked to memorize James 4:1-2 this week in an exercise of communication at our marriage counseling session. so that when our own communication fails within our marriage, we'll be reminded by scripture to check our own desires first. It's no coincidence that as I was memorizing this verse it kicked me in the butt a million times over, and where I tried to tell myself that it was "for later" The Lord graciously reminded me that it is "for always".

This was the one time in my life I truly believed I had a right to be selfish. The one time. And yet all it's gotten me is so far away from my favorite companion that I'd lost myself. I'd lost my joy, and forgotten all about my Hope. My Savior. My faithful and ever so loving Father who freely gives. As saddened as I am at my own heart, I am so relieved that God remembered that hope and prayer FOR us. That this marriage will truly be for His Glory alone, and is now taking it back where I forgot to give it.

It's so easy to get lost in all of this. SO easy.

Father, please help me, and thank you for already rescuing me from the desires that battle within my selfish heart.