Back to reality
This weekend I babysat for 3 days and 3 nights for a 2&1/2 year old and an 11month old, and put my own life on hold. There were very little wedding tasks dealt with, no editing of any kind, zero shows to watch outside "Mickey Cwismas" and "Thomas The Twain" and the kids kept to a pretty simple schedule- Wake time, change time, snack time, play time, eat time, change time, sleep time, play time, change time, eat time, sleep time, change time, snack time, play time, change time, play time, change time, dinner time, bath time, book time, bed time... repeat!
It was easier this time around with a more verbal 2 year old to tell me what he needs and to do things "all by self" and a more independent 11 month old to crawl and scoot to what she needs instead of insisting on constant bouncing and heavy lifting.
Not to mention, I had a ton of help from Brian who is seriously a future super Dad (don't hate ladies).
The waking hours were tougher- one morning it was as early as 5am, and so I was done for the night (and I mean DONE) by 7:30pm... but still I noticed that throughout the day I'd had less upset stomach aches, less tension in my neck and back, zero emotional meltdowns and heck was all together and overall very relaxed all weekend!
So, back to my daily grind at work, after a 9:30am conference call about year-end monies due and tax preparations, I realized that I hadn't stressed over "the wedding" much and maybe needed to do so....
Hmmm "needed to stress".... That was seriously my thought process? I NEED to stress? Yikes.
I think I kind of knew that I was allowing a very exciting time in my life to turn into a source of anxiety, but until I spent a weekend with a much more simplified life, and almost zero focus on my "needs/ aka stress" I didn't know how much it's already eaten me alive.
Yeah, the clock is ticking, and yep, there is a very large "to do" list of tasks and "needs" to check off before we get remotely close to walking down that aisle... but I truly was brought more joy this weekend by having the baby reach out for me with a smile on her face, or by having Brian to tag team with when meal times and change time collided, than thinking about the logistics and complications over budget and location details all wrapped up into getting to our future vows to well, live a very self-less life together.
(Don't worry Mom, we won't elope)
But I went into this engagement thinking about how I hoped for simplicity because I have seen so many brides get all stressed out over everything that eventually passes away after the event has ended...
And there I was freaking out and crying over just that- all the things that will pass away.
Brian has done a great job this entire time of bringing me back from the brink of meltdown madness- saying- "in the end, you and I will say vows to each other, and then we'll be married. Focus on that, and it'll be beautiful anyways."
I believed him, but I couldn't see it because I'd become clouded with my stressors, with my tension, with "me".
Taking care of the kids made everything else kind of lay quiet and my vision of the true goal for this wedding to come back into focus again, a focus that I am about to embark on learning to care for others and look at the needs of others in place of myself... actually looks......calming!
Oh don't get me wrong, I have a LONG way to go, and a ton of learning to do. But I'm actually starting to look forward to all of what I'd forgotten was THE POINT for getting engaged.
The wedding will come, it'll be wherever it fits best, and we'll have a great time with our closest friends and family all together in one place.
But all of those details- the location, the flowers, the cake, the dress, will all pass away and in it's place will be reality.
Life.
After 30+ years of singleness and Independence, I never thought I'd start to discover in the end of that self--
Peace.
(now if I could just get that Thomas jingle out of my head)
