I'm Coming Back to The Heart of Worship
It's all about you- Jesus.
Last night I finally voiced something that has been plaguing me for a few weeks. When asked "How are you doing?" I surprised myself by spilling my guts about how I'd been struggling with a feeling a strange "distance" between me and the Lord lately. It was an ugly truth to throw out there. And it broke my heart because I didn't know how to get that intimacy back.
When things were hard for SO long, I was so close to God. So close. I mean, I craved the Bible, I spent hours in prayer, and looked forward to the days I felt called to fast for something I'd been praying about.
Then, things went swimmingly. So swimmingly, in fact, that I was in tears sometimes over the GOODNESS and the blessings suddenly raining down. My prayers of plead overnight turned to praise, relief, and awe. Suddenly, I wasn't worshiping with a severe desperation for God's comfort, I was basking in God's Glory and promises already being fulfilled.
And things continued to be good.
And then my prayers grew silent.
I am fully aware that the distance I felt (feel) is because I stopped talking to the Lord the way I did so regularly when there were specifics to drive me on my knees. To top it off, the more I felt the distance and tried to pray anyways, the more I felt terrible about the distance, and the less I wanted to pray because I knew I probably should. It didn't feel genuine to sit before the Lord without anything to say, and because I "supposed" to. It was a conundrum.
After my confession, I was told to "go home". At first I thought that it somehow meant that I'd become disgusting company to keep and then the words "go pray" followed. Reminding me that there was something I needed to do.... really needed to do.
There is still a part of me that is mournful over the fact that I had to be told to do something I should have craved to do. Wanted to do. But then again, when you are thinking all about yourself, it's hard to think much of anything else. I had an incredible time of prayer that night. On my floor, on my knees- literally. Because any other posture prompted me to daydream, procrastinate, and multi-task.
When it was finished, there was peace. The distance was closing. And when morning came all I could think about was worship.
I am still a bit mournful I'd missed out on so many days of being close to God between the "good" and the ordinary. But then I remembered something today about His character and His Word. And He will always call us back to him.
Even if your greatest friends need to kick you out of their house to do it.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
