Here's Mud in your Pie.
My Google Reader List pointed me to TWO recent posts about Feminism today which I could see as either coincidental or important. Maybe both? The issue of "being Feminist" is not often on my mind (because if I have to take a side- I choose anti) but the subjects that Feminism addresses are. Constantly.
The first post is from a friend/student who goes to my church. She's taking a class on Feminism and it's always interesting to read about what they bombarding students with.
The other post is a two-for because this woman is responding to another post and talks a bit about the female "role" and expectations within society.
I'm not sure if my own personal recount (coming at you next) falls into the category of "Feminism" but it definitely falls into line with a question that both Blogs pose: Do we know what we want? Or do we want what we think we do because society conditions us to?
Something strange has started to happen to me as of late that makes me severely uncomfortable with myself. It's the whole "I want to be wanted." The Bible teaches us that we are to be content in every situation- every stage, every "role", and after assessing my "stage" and my "roles" and then assessing the other women that I am surrounded by in their "stages" and in their "roles" I went and did something I am not proud of- I went and wanted something else.
Was it society's fault? Yeah. Partly. But society isn't responsible for my own contentment, it's mine and by mine I mean Christ's. But I can choose to be there- to have joy in every life-stage with our without what I think I want. And for the last few months I admit it- I chose instead to want something more- something else INSTEAD of contentment in Christ while I am here- something I never wanted.
What IS contentment anyway? Because so far for me, it means I've walked alone. It means I walk in denial of me wanting something. It means that I am not allowed to wonder or complain or think "what the HECK am I doing wrong that she got right?" or that I am even supposed to talk about wanting it lest I be"pathetic" or "desperate" or -gasp- ill-content!
Contentment is all of these things. And before you call me a blasphemer let me explain something . . . the only time I am truly content is the times that I realize my wants, admit them, cry over them, and accept them. Contentment or "confidence" doesn't mean I stop wanting. It means I accept the fact that God made me the way I am (with wants and all) for His purpose, and wired me a certain way when he made me female. It means that as a female, I realize that I was created to crave and desire certain stages in life but that doesn't mean they are guaranteed. It means that those desires are natural, and good, and a part of what makes me, me- and it doesn't mean that I am desperate, ill-content, or unhappy-- but it means that there is something that I will feel is missing. Because I was created for it! That feeling isn't the end of the world - it isn't the whole world. But it's a feeling that I'll need to deal with, wrestle, and submit to Christ in that contentment for as long as He desires me to do.
Today, I don't "feel" content in this current life-stage. It's lonely, it's daunting, and sometimes, it down-right sucks. But it's because I have allowed myself to get caught up in participating in something that I never truly believed in. It was a race towards "being wanted" --by a society that tells us everyday we need to compete harder, look better, be younger, and be more or less feminist for. I thought that if I worked hard enough- and looked like I didn't "need" a man then a man from this "current/hip" generation would want me. Then I thought that if I discovered the value of raising a family and being domestic, then a Godly man would want me. Me. Me. My focus this entire time has been on me. I knew this and even admitted it when I was running in that pack. I still even am in a way. But I'm finally so incredibly tired of the race.
It doesn't mean those wants have gone away . . . it means I get to cry over the cold-hard fact that I can't ever perform hard enough to help me grasp those wants more and remember that even though there will be others racing around me that will tempt me to jump in and run faster- they aren't ever going to run "enough" either- they just haven't hit their own walls yet. (And for some, the racing will even lead to triumph!)
The Lord constantly asks me: "Do you Trust me?" That is what I am discovering where true contentment lies. In His question to my heart. Do I? Even if all the wants and desires he's wired me for are never fulfilled-- do I trust Him? I do. I do.
But man-- lately that trust . . . really hurts.
