Being Faithful

Do I Have the Right Kind Of Faith?

After posting what I did yesterday, I thought a lot about faith- mine and spent some time in the Word and in prayer. Then I got a late night call from a friend who asked me to pray for a girlfriend of hers who was hospitalized with a brain aneurysm and I got to really stop and think about someone other than myself for a moment. I wondered how much faith it would take for us to pray to make her come through this, and something hit me. I have been trying so hard in places where God never asked me for help.

I think I got distracted somehow by the echoing of an old saying from someone in my past- "Increase your faith!" I had this said to me a number of times, and everytime, I felt confused and helpless afterward, and then determined JUST DETERMINED to increase it. To aquire "more" faith somehow- to believe better, to get happier . . . to have more and more and more faith.

This girl in the hospital doesn't NEED the right amount of faith to be healed. My faith reminds me that God can absoluetly heal her. I pray that she is healed and comes to know Christ as her Savior, and that God will use this "terrible thing" that is happening to her for His glory, and I KNOW that he will. I don't know what that'll look like. My friend told me this morning "The hardest part is the waiting. Because the doctors have done all they can do, and they need to see how her body reacts to the trauma in order to do the next treatment." That waiting is faith. Faith that there will be a resolution, and that something will happen (for better or for worse). But the hard part about that faith is the having a trust in God to take care of her. Because we think that means it looks a certian way for her. We hope it means she fully recovers and goes on with this life. But trusting God means exactly that- That we trust Him to take care of her. That whatever happenes, He's taking good care of her.

I thought having faith- the right kind- enough- meant feeling better about hard stuff, I thought it meant I never get frusterated, or tired, or impatient, or emotional. Come to think of it, did having faith mean I'd be some robotic super being?? No wonder I was completely confused & frusterated. I have faith! I had it all along! How do I know? FAITH.

I am not saying I don't need improvement. In fact, I am saying I am a mess. With faith. How could I have been so distracted by something so obvious? Accounts of what true faith "looks like" is written all over the Bible- and it never says Noah wasn't nervous that the boat he was building might not set sail in his lifetime. It never implies that Moses was "giddy" to go back to Pharoh and ask for his people to be let go. It never insists that Job took every plight that came against him with a grin from ear to ear. But they all had incredible faith. And God was faithful to his promises.

I have faith because it's in Jesus Christ. I know Him, I Love him with all of who I am and it is a struggle sometimes to trust what is happening (or not happening) is because of God's soverignty. But at the end of the day, I do. I have to.

So I don't buy the crap in the task given to me by man to "increase my faith". I'm not going to try to STOP being upset, or frusterated, or worried when bad things happen or life just downright SUCKS anymore. I have faith that God is in control of my life and circumstances. I also have faith that He will be the one who does any "stopping" of any worries or emotions from here on out, and HE is the only one capable of increasing any kind of faith in me- because my faith abides in Him.

Man, that is so freeing!!

Lexi, we're praying for you! And I truly do believe that you will be healed.

Being Human

I haven't been in ministry long enough to write a Top Ten List, but man, do I need one to look to. I have no doubt that God has placed me here (for now) for a reason, but lately it's been a very lonely state. I have so many friends and people to lean on- but there is something else that feels so isolating sometimes. I don't think I could ever clearly explain to someone who hasn't been "here" in this kind of gap that exists in certain areas. Even when I think something is none of my business, there will always be someone asking my opinion about it. Even when I think that no one is looking and I can finally blend into "one of the crowd" and relax and be stupid-- something sniffs me out and I realize I am always and constantly- different. Even when there is one "issue" I want to choose to be okay with having I realize, it isn't okay, because it is my "responsibility" to seek to grow, be mature, or healthy, or working hard on that issue to be rid of it allow it to better my relationship with Christ as I get to start to be okay with myself too.

For weeks I have been searching for that one person who must know what I mean. I have been dying to vent or empathize or just laugh about it all and know that I am not alone after all, but I can't. I just can't. So I read and write and that has to be enough. I don't know why the heck I turned out to be the way I am, and suddenly, I am questioning it all again-- but I am a "leader" of a "ministry" and in the midst of my questions, I have a "responsibility" to be courageous where there isn't any. To summon this strength that is comforting to the others depending on me where I am completely a wreck . . . to be okay with having no answers when I am not okay without them . . .

How could I possibly explain all of that while resting in the peace that I am here because I am supposed to be? Because with all of this "stuff" the only thing that has been made extremely clear to me is that I can't give up. I don't want to, but I suppose I expected me to be better at this than it turns out I am. I guess I never expected the loneliness that comes with this kind of servitude. I am sure I have no idea what Jesus was feeling in the Garden of Gethsemane, but maybe I have a tiny inkling of how he felt when he found his disciples sleeping after he asked them to stay awake & wait for him . . . there is just no way they could have ever known what He was going through- because he had to go alone. I know "my strength is from the Lord", I know "I am never alone because The Lord is with me". I know, I know . . . and I am praying everyday for an increased faith and trust in the Lord so that I won't just "know it" I'll believe it with my entire being and be filled with joy and peace through this knowledge.

So it's a gift when I come across articles and blogs like these that remind me that even though I can't talk to them about it, others have been there- or are there. And eventually that will finally be a comfort to me too because I am starting to realize that feeling "lone" in certain situations maybe isn't a sin issue- it's being human.

Humanity. So annoying.

I miss the days when my sister, brother and 10 friends all crowded around our TV on a Friday night to watch Letterman rattle off his obnoxious Top Ten list and that was the end of our cares!
Anyway. Have a read and visit this pastor's blog if you desire by clicking the title below.

Here are 10 Lessons I've Learned in Ministry...

1. It's not a job. When you begin to see it as just a job you need to get out of ministry and do something else.
2. You cannot please everyone, nor can you make everyone happy. So don't sweat it.
3. Church bulletins are a necessary evil. They are a pain in the neck, but you cannot over-communicate with your congregation.
4. Get out of the office and among people. You can't sit in an office all day and do ministry.
5. Sometimes you have to let people leave the church. For example, Jesus allowed the rich young ruler to walk away. Another example, the space shuttle has to lose some of its parts to make it into space.
6. There's a fine line between faith and stupidity. Knowing the difference can make all the difference.
7. You can't do everything, so don't try.
8. It's okay to rest, relax and sometimes go hide. Jesus did.
9. Seek wisdom from others. There's some smart people out there.
10. Far more important than your ministry and only second to God is your family. Don't neglect them.

Taking the Next Step

. . . in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses —2 Corinthians 6:4

When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.

Every Christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks. The thing that really testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you. Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17 .