Being Secure

A friend of mine was in the same conversation that I was last night after a weekly prayer meeting run by the pastors of our church. In fact, several friends of mine were. I chuckled at one point that it was pretty much my entire girl's group Bible Study (pre-multiplication) and one man. Although anyone reading my blog tends to know the people in my life I am always hesitant to say names. But this male soul came over to us to ask an important question, and he sought a woman's perspective so there were all were.

It's pretty easy to guess what it would have been about. Relationships. Dating. What women want to know, what guys want us to know. All of that was covered or uncovered in the course of less than an hour, and in the end I believe we all felt the same . . . there were no answers.

It wasn't an inappropriate subject for a prayer meeting (just incase you are wondering) it had everything to do with it actually, but there was something inappropriate about all of us trying to hash it out right then & there. Because it can't be done.

I came away from that conversation a bit frustrated (as I always do) but something in me was different this time. This time, when we finished & the man asked us if we had anymore questions, I really didn't. I still don't. It's not because we found answers together either. It's because I made a decision a long time ago (after two failed & heartbreaking relationships) about how I'd find "the one." I just will or I just won't. When people ask me what I want in a man I no longer describe his broad shoulders or his towering height. I no longer prerequisite his taste in music or clothing, nor do I insist he's well-traveled. I no longer do any of this because I have seen the men my Godly women friends have married, and they all look so different and they all have so many different interests . . . but they all have one thing in common, they sought the Lord with their full hearts, and discovered that women right beside them loving God and realized, hey, she's awesome, I want to take care of HER . . . and now there they are, taking care of eachother, and in some cases, kids.

The guy we were talking to struggled a bit with how to answer the question of making a choice - "just choosing a girl". He said that if someone held a gun to his head and forced him to choose he'd be able to make a decision right now based on the women he knows, but there would be a part of him that wondered if he was settling.

I couldn't help but place all us girls surrounding him in that equation - where his decision could only be made under the barrel of a gun and somehow we still are not worth "settling" for. Maybe not for him specifically, but for some other guy looking at the group of us and feeling "forced" to settle.

I guess I don't expect to be someone's everything anymore. I did, and that sort of ruined things for the both of us in the end. But you know, as frustrating as all of this is to understand, I'm okay with it remaining simple. So simple that we'll NEVER know answers ahead of time about where to find the one, how to pick, and when to do so . . . it'll just happen in it's own special way- under God's hands and in his perfect timing.

And if whoever "he" is looks at me under a barrel of a gun and is "forced" to choose me and still wonders if he settled . . . I am finally confident enough to know he didn't. I know that should God call me to be someone's wife, I'll do my best but beyond all of that "doing" I'll love the Lord all the same. Maybe it's okay to doubt. Maybe I'll doubt the man I marry. Deep down though, no matter what I hope the man I marry won't doubt his own heart & who it belongs to because I no longer doubt mine.

Maybe that is too tall an order. It's okay. I'm used to waiting.

Being . . . Brave

This weekend I attended a Women's Conference with Jennifer Rothschild as the guest speaker. When I first heard she was going to speak at Cornerstone (our parent church) I wondered how on earth they "got" her. I've been getting her monthly newsletter for about a year so I've known all about her testimony and ministry, but it seems she's still rather "unknown" in the world of big-time Women of Faith speakers like Beth Moore and Sheila Walsh.

I'm not usually interested in Women's anything . . . that is until I became the honorary Women's of Shoreline church. In the back of my head, back when the guys asked me to "do this" ministry I always thought - yeah sure, but it's probably temporary until a Godlier, wiser, more seminary- trained, refined, and with a sunnier disposition woman comes along . . .

But I said "yes", and I firstly rejoiced that the Lord had finally showed me WHY he'd been pressing "Women's Ministry" on my heart for about 3 years prior, and then I went and read books about Women's Ministry, and subscribed to a heck-a-lot of newsletters from various "famous" Women's Ministry leaders from across the country.

Jennifer Rothschild's newsletter was honestly not one of the ones that ever stood out to me. But when I had the chance to go to that conference I thought that maybe it was another opportunity to soak in as much as I can from my "elders" and try to emulate that within my own leadership on a smaller scale. But it turned out, I will never be as eloquent and as comfortable onstage as Jennifer seemed to be. I will never have the amazing testimony that she has about triumphing through her blindness. I will never be able to play the piano by ear or write my own music, or bless people with my "croak" of a tone-deaf voice . . . but my prayer is that I walk the same path that she has to get to where God has brought her. And it's a path of true faith.

There were a lot of laughs during that conference, and sometimes if I looked around too long, I'd be slightly intimidated by the amount of wisdom and life that the majority of the attenders had to offer, but as soon as Jennifer stepped onto the stage, the words she spoke were for me.

I know, I know, we all say that stuff, we all feel that way, but I'll take it where I can, and I realized how much I was drinking in, soaking up, and reveling in the idea that I didn't have the answers to give this time, I didn't have the encouraging to do, I just got to be taught and encouraged for a full two hours.

The theme she spoke about was "Walking By Faith". She asked "Can I really do what God is calling me to do?" She challenged us to have a brave perspective and to remember that following God involves risk- uncomfortable risks, and that fear will never SERVE you, but bravery will always BROADEN you. She reminded us of the promise in Isaiah 45, and the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. And the truth that is Philippians 4:13.

She later encouraged us that when fear overwhelms us, sometimes looking for the bigger problems around us reminds us of the blessings we already have.

I am sure everyone has heard this before. I have, and I say it back to the girls I am trying to encourage in the midst of their "dark times" too. But for some reason, I was to hear it again on Saturday, and I was to listen closely. I know this like you "just know" certain things in life. Jennifer's message wasn't just the same old thing. For me, it was big.

She ended with the passage about Paul's Thorn in his flesh and I've heard this over & over too. But she reminded us that "your adversity might be the very thing that God is using to protect you" -- against our own Pride.

I hate change. I'll come right out and say that again & again. Everyone who knows me sees this drip from me. They see me whine, and kick & scream (silently) and mourn while throwing gentle inner-fits. I don't know how to ever change that fact. But I do know that a lot of changes have happened in my life and they have all been for the better. For the good, for the greater purpose of God's sovereign will for my life, and I guess it was just time I was reminded . . . again.

Then I took one last look at Jennifer Rothschild as she held out her arm for her assistant to guide her off the stage and remembered something. She can't even see! And a part of me suddenly wanted that so badly that my mouth went dry at the thought of how thirsty I am for it. Her confidence, her refined speech, her blind faith. I hope to God alone that I have the COURAGE to truly receive it now.