Love and Patience

I always secretly thought I was the best at loving and patience.

Then I met people.

Then I thought I was the worst at both. And come to think of it- they didn't do a very good job of both either.

It's been in the forefront of my mind lately how hard it is to "love others" and so it's been my prayer that God will help me do so, and to show me how, because I keep getting to the end of my rope and wanting to let go and walk when I am "loving" them on my own because my current reality seems so hopeless and helpless. But a few weeks ago, one of our sermons about Jesus' story to His disciples about shepherding sheep and the Shepherd's Love for these really dumb and helpless animals reminded me that although his disciples didn't always "get it" Jesus LOVED them. It was the first sermon (besides the one about marriage) that made the tears start to flow. He Loved them. He was God. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit will I ever come remotely close to "loving them" the way Jesus did. But it was enough to help me hang on just a little bit tighter and longer.

Oswald Chambers put it into words for me a few days ago:

The fountains from which love flows are in God, not in us. It is absurd to think that the love of God is naturally in our hearts, as a result of our own nature. His love is there only because it "has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit . . ." ( Romans 5:5 ).If we try to prove to God how much we love Him, it is a sure sign that we really don’t love Him. The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, which flows naturally from His nature within us. And when we look back, we will not be able to determine why we did certain things, but we can know that we did them according to the spontaneous nature of His love in us. The life of God exhibits itself in this spontaneous way because the fountains of His love are in the Holy Spirit.

And suddenly, my understanding of "love" has evolved. Because true love doesn't come from "us" at all. It's part of our transformation through the Holy Spirit. Suddenly, it doesn't seem so daunting or "hard" to Love. There isn't anything even human in it, so there isn't any fear, and it is completely perfect because it's poured into me through the power of the Holy Spirit. Through Jesus. The one that Loved.

I confessed to my Mom a few months ago, that although I came close to marriage- looking back I don't think I've ever been in Love. She told me "that is okay honey, you will, and you'll know it" I'm not annoyed by that statement so much anymore, because she's probably right. But I don't ever want to Love again if it's only me trying to do it, because the end of that rope comes up pretty fast and if the Holy Spirit can love through me (and therefore in place of me) then heck, I'm ready to hang on and enjoy!

What's the Deal with Non-Verbal Communication??

I am probably the last person on earth to have finally given in and added on to my cell phone subscription that additional $4.99/mo. for unlimited text messaging. I did it begrudgingly, but my hand was forced and it wasn't because I am addicted to my "crackberry". (I don't even own one). It's because of the numerous texts I receive. I get charged for these short and to the point messages from friends saying "b there soon" or "tnx for lunch". It used to be infrequent enough that 10cents per message never added up past $4.99 and I avoided ever texting back so that I didn't rack up the additional 10 cents per message - until two things happened:
1) AT&T became Cingular became The NEW AT&T and my 10 cent texts became 15 cents a pop.
2) These brief tidbits of information via text became important and vital messages in need of answers or my attention. (ie. "Run 2day @ 11am-beach?", or "can I go w/u 2 the party?")

I have many times considered not responding. I have many times not responded. But people then text me again thinking I never got the message while in the back of their minds cursing me out for being rude. Truth? Well I think texting is totally RUDE!

Let me take that blanketed statement and reign it in for you. Sometimes texting is a life saver. For instance: I lost my phone once and when i got my new one my sister texted me all the numbers she had so I could quickly save them into my new phone in one shot. Another time, it was way past 11pm and I got a text asking if I was awake so my friend could call me to chat about something important. Or, there is good old Google.com text service that provides things like driving directions, restaurant names and vital information right to your phone when you are on the go and away from the net. In times like these, texting makes sense.

In this day & age, I am forced to conform. I have. (see this months cell phone statement for proof). But I refuse to be flattered when a guy texts me "plans 2nite?" or "had a gr8 time! Hv a gr8 week!!!!!!!" I mean, if he can text 5 million exclamation points- can't he have dialed that amount of numbers and said that into my voicemail? or (gasp) to me in person?

Okay, so before I make myself LOOK as if I have all these guys texting me for dates and such- let me be more truthful about it. The reason why it fries me so much is that there just isn't that kind of action going on regularly and so when it just so happens that a member of the opposite sex expresses interest in acquiring my digits and uses them only to TEXT it's insulting. I know that it takes effort and precious time to form sentences and conversations via the telephone or - gasp - face to face . . . but whatever happened to good old fashioned communication?

Two guys I dated asked me out for the first time via email with: COFFEE????? in the subject line. Can you believe that? Two in a row! I remember getting those emails and my heart stopped because I was floored they were asking, and ticked they'd done it over email. But I went out with them anyway so whatever. At least they asked. (And only after I accepted did they ask for my number.) Seems backward no?

Still, now I am hearing more and more about how single girlfriends of mine have been asked to "COFFEE?????" over text, and how others have relationship DTR's or breakups over text. I used to think that breaking up over email or on the phone was harsh- but via text? Come on . . . you aren't even spelling full words at that point! Have we really made communication that unimportant?

On the other hand, there is the whole "say it without words" communication (aka flirting) that I apparently haven't quite grasped the language of either. In areas and situations I think I am blatantly flirting, I'll be shocked to discover that third parties observe a "disdain" or "closed off" air about me, and in other situations, I'll be shocked to discover where I just knew the second party was flirting wildly- he was merely being friendly and totally uninterested in anything beyond friends - cuz you know, "she's cool and funny but it ain't like that."

I suppose in the midst of situations like these, I shouldn't be watching old movies where the man directly announces his intentions first to the woman (object of his affection) and second- to her protective father- and he does this -gasp- in person! Somewhere, somehow, someone thought up the direct approach- even if it is fiction. At least it's an idea!

What if all the girls in all the world stopped responding to text dates? What if all the girls in all the world stopped expressing their affections and wants by posting comments next to sexy pictures they took of themselves on MySpace? What if all the girls in all the world stopped carrying a cell phone? What if all the girls in all the world became oblivious to the game of flirtation and non-verbal cues? What would happen?

I am beginning to think that it'd bring on the Apocalypse.

...hi m8 u k? sry 4gt 2 cal u lst nyt y dnt we go c film 2moz