Being . . . Brave

This weekend I attended a Women's Conference with Jennifer Rothschild as the guest speaker. When I first heard she was going to speak at Cornerstone (our parent church) I wondered how on earth they "got" her. I've been getting her monthly newsletter for about a year so I've known all about her testimony and ministry, but it seems she's still rather "unknown" in the world of big-time Women of Faith speakers like Beth Moore and Sheila Walsh.

I'm not usually interested in Women's anything . . . that is until I became the honorary Women's of Shoreline church. In the back of my head, back when the guys asked me to "do this" ministry I always thought - yeah sure, but it's probably temporary until a Godlier, wiser, more seminary- trained, refined, and with a sunnier disposition woman comes along . . .

But I said "yes", and I firstly rejoiced that the Lord had finally showed me WHY he'd been pressing "Women's Ministry" on my heart for about 3 years prior, and then I went and read books about Women's Ministry, and subscribed to a heck-a-lot of newsletters from various "famous" Women's Ministry leaders from across the country.

Jennifer Rothschild's newsletter was honestly not one of the ones that ever stood out to me. But when I had the chance to go to that conference I thought that maybe it was another opportunity to soak in as much as I can from my "elders" and try to emulate that within my own leadership on a smaller scale. But it turned out, I will never be as eloquent and as comfortable onstage as Jennifer seemed to be. I will never have the amazing testimony that she has about triumphing through her blindness. I will never be able to play the piano by ear or write my own music, or bless people with my "croak" of a tone-deaf voice . . . but my prayer is that I walk the same path that she has to get to where God has brought her. And it's a path of true faith.

There were a lot of laughs during that conference, and sometimes if I looked around too long, I'd be slightly intimidated by the amount of wisdom and life that the majority of the attenders had to offer, but as soon as Jennifer stepped onto the stage, the words she spoke were for me.

I know, I know, we all say that stuff, we all feel that way, but I'll take it where I can, and I realized how much I was drinking in, soaking up, and reveling in the idea that I didn't have the answers to give this time, I didn't have the encouraging to do, I just got to be taught and encouraged for a full two hours.

The theme she spoke about was "Walking By Faith". She asked "Can I really do what God is calling me to do?" She challenged us to have a brave perspective and to remember that following God involves risk- uncomfortable risks, and that fear will never SERVE you, but bravery will always BROADEN you. She reminded us of the promise in Isaiah 45, and the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. And the truth that is Philippians 4:13.

She later encouraged us that when fear overwhelms us, sometimes looking for the bigger problems around us reminds us of the blessings we already have.

I am sure everyone has heard this before. I have, and I say it back to the girls I am trying to encourage in the midst of their "dark times" too. But for some reason, I was to hear it again on Saturday, and I was to listen closely. I know this like you "just know" certain things in life. Jennifer's message wasn't just the same old thing. For me, it was big.

She ended with the passage about Paul's Thorn in his flesh and I've heard this over & over too. But she reminded us that "your adversity might be the very thing that God is using to protect you" -- against our own Pride.

I hate change. I'll come right out and say that again & again. Everyone who knows me sees this drip from me. They see me whine, and kick & scream (silently) and mourn while throwing gentle inner-fits. I don't know how to ever change that fact. But I do know that a lot of changes have happened in my life and they have all been for the better. For the good, for the greater purpose of God's sovereign will for my life, and I guess it was just time I was reminded . . . again.

Then I took one last look at Jennifer Rothschild as she held out her arm for her assistant to guide her off the stage and remembered something. She can't even see! And a part of me suddenly wanted that so badly that my mouth went dry at the thought of how thirsty I am for it. Her confidence, her refined speech, her blind faith. I hope to God alone that I have the COURAGE to truly receive it now.

Being me . . . again

Well, it's been a bit since my last entry.

I have debated allowing this blog to kind of fall into the archives since my trip is long over, but I have actually gotten a few requests to keep writing so . . . okay! (You don't have to ask me twice).

So the blog will slowly transform into a generic virtual journal about "Being" and should I take another travel venture in the near future here is where you'll hear about that too. (Although I don't forsee it happening anytime soon).

Since being back I am adjusting to a truncated work schedule (my day job) and dove head first into getting my wedding video business up & swinging. A website is almost ready to launch and my new demo reel is finally ready. I have my first non-friend of a friend inquiries and am simply crossing my fingers that they "pick me" out of all the other hoidy-toidy established professionals out there, but I constantly remind myself that I can only do my best, be myself and allow my product to stand on it's own two feet to get them convinced enough to sign me on.

There have been a few sleepless nights, and I find it occurs mostly if I allow myself to work into the wee hours. You'd think it would tire me out enough to crash, but instead there I lay awake with thoughts about tweaking this, or how great that looked, or thinking about the daunting tasks ahead. I need to wind down much sooner I suppose, but I am figuring all of it out as I go.

Today I made the mistake of sharing my demo with my landlady who has been begging me to show her what I have been up to at odd hours behind closed doors. As an amateur photographer I thought she'd appreciate the style and shots but instead she kept telling me I was "up too close there" or that "I chopped off the top of her head" in the close up shots. I didn't bother to wave my BA in Film production in her face and educate her on the rule of minimal headroom or the three fourths rule. She didn't "get" my stylistic angles, and then she pointed out the mistakes that I obsess over but convince myself it's only me that notices it. I felt slightly embarassed and more-so annoyed, and then had to laugh at myself for taking her so seriously.

I have a lot to learn about dealing with critical clientele. I know this. I am used to being the critical one for other's services. It's a strange role reversal for me, and I have a feeling a good growing experience.

Fortunately though, good Old Mrs. Irvin has been married so long, she'll never need my services.

And she was still quite impressed at the "motion menu" feature on my DVD reel.

It's the little things.

Oh and if you hear of anyone who needs someone cool to shoot their wedding video . . .