Being . . .

New Blog!

2009-07-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

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Adopted For Life

2009-06-17T22:21:00.004-07:00

I finally finished my book. It was amazing. It was about Adoption, and about the gospel, it was a reminder of God's character and faithfulness. It was a higher calling to Christians and the church, and it was about orphans and how once adopted they become sons forever.

The last chapter made me cry. Not because I felt bad or thought I needed to rescue a baby... it was because I was reminded of God's faithfulness, and how it's easy to think we've been forgotten when He's in the middle of answering our prayers- we just don't know it yet.
Here, Author Russel D. Moore talks about his son's birthday:

"I also wonder what I was doing that day. My old calendar from that
year shows that I was working on my doctoral dissertation . . . I probably
walked to my favorite coffee shop and ordered the regular. I was probably
also feeling sorry for myself. I don't need a calendar to tell me that, I
felt that way every day then.

I'd prayed every morning and every night for children. I would have
done so that day too, with a desperate whine to my voice. I didn't know
that day that my prayers had been answered, in a way beyond all I could ask or
even think"

Adoption intrigues me, and I have no idea if it's something the Lord has for our family, but the whole concept of adoption finally hit home after reading this book- I was reminded that even now, there is something happening that I don't get to be a part of until later, and it's already an answer to longstanding prayers.

He is faithful.

Waiting...

2009-06-09T12:51:00.003-07:00

I've been waiting to post again because I wanted to do it all at once... Brian and my wedding was featured on 2 blogs this week, and if you haven't already seen the pictures on facebook (or aren't completely over it) here is a new Wedding blog that picked up "our story" and did a feature on our wedding!

It makes me smile because being a vendor in the wedding industry - this mention is super cool, and as a Bride to make this kind of spotlight, it's completely humbling as our wedding day had so many kinks and imperfections, and at times our attitudes were less than stellar... yet we still made the front postings of an industry blog.

Of course, I can't take all the credit, most of it falls upon our photographers who documented the day with their artistic edge, but next, the credit belongs to the amazing people that helped carry this wedding on their backs to get us down the aisle, and so I wanted to make sure that I took a moment to thank a few of them.

My MOH: Jaime, my sister. Thank you for taking on so much- too much sometimes, to help me get this wedding to where I wanted it and more.
From making my veil, to finding the feathers for my hairpiece, to sewing the blankets, helping construct the invites, the centerpieces, hosting the parties, being my workout partner, and trudging through the meltdowns... you were there for everything, and sometimes I leaned on you way too hard, but you stayed right there, never backing down, never resting. You know I'd do it for you, and hope to when you need to lean right back.

My Mom-in-law: Sue, you always go above and beyond. Sometimes we just couldn't stop you but it was such a blessing to have so many personal touches of your care along the way. From the welcome bags to all our out of town guests, to the home-cooked meals, the location scouting, attending the tastings, being in the forefront of negotiations, and the constant troubleshooting, you were the liaison between NorCal and SoCal that we needed so desperately to pull it off in the time frame we did. On top of all that, you took care of your own family, and went to work everyday. Our thanks is not enough, but we are ever grateful for everything.

Lydia: My brand new sister-in-law! Thank you for being there the final days before the wedding. You are a dynamo and it was a pleasure to get to know you more. Knowing you were in charge of overseeing the reception tables and decor, I never worried or second guessed it would get done, and walking down the aisle and seeing it all had come together better than I expected was so special. Now, you're a new bride too and we're family, so I look forward to the many other events we'll swim through together.

***

In the meantime, I've been settling in to married life (which was really easy to do) and dealing with a million changes all at once which brought on a funk I didn't expect to trudge through so soon as a newlywed. It has nothing to do with my marriage, and everything to do with me, (which makes me feel worse) and everything that used to define me... my job (gone), my singleness (over), my ministry (in limbo), my roles (changing), my needs (different), my goals (shifted), my routine (adjusting)...

Marriage brought with it (coincidentally) an end to so many things that were a part of who I was for so long, that without all of it, I suddenly felt sad. Then I felt sad for being sad and newly married when I really was so, so happy...

I'm still here, in the valley, because all of the change is still happening, and I am trying to walk forward towards whatever it is God has for me next, while dealing with the unexpected grief I can't really explain that came with the loss of things I thought I didn't care about.

It's complicated, and weird, and makes no sense-- which is why I have resisted writing until now.
But I look forward to what is waiting there for me at the end of the valley, and I am starting to remember, that there indeed, is joy waiting for me in the morning.

Our wedding pictures were a reminder of that for me this week. They documented the joy in between the chaos, and the mistakes, and the imperfections and disasters of the beast of our wedding-- and what was left is all that mattered, the snapshots of joy found in a new life together.

May my heart find hope in that example of the Gospel.

Coming back.

2009-04-01T11:36:00.002-07:00

Dear self:

You are now a married woman.
It is everything you dreamed it would be.
It is more.

Yes, it's real
And true
It's the beginning of so much.
And the end of only a teeny part of who you are.
Or were.

You are grateful
And blessed.
You are a wife.

When you thought it was impossible
or too late
or unnecessary
or unfortunate
Your were wrong.

You are humbled.
And imperfect
Living one with an imperfect man
Who is so perfect for you.

Don't you dare forget that.
Even when you complain.
Or fail.
Or live a very normal and ordinary day.

As a married woman.

CUE MUSIC: The Final Countdown

2009-03-11T12:11:00.002-07:00

10 days and counting.

Every hour points us towards this major event that several people have been thinking about, planning, buying things for, organizing, crafting, sweating over, and dreaming about.

And now it's only days away instead of months or weeks!

Last night Brian and I packed up my room and there was the usual tossing the crap purging that occurred, along with brief moments of nostalgia as I came across old photos of past groups of friends or major family events (my sister's wedding, that Fiji trip, Africa 2000...) all of that went into my old leather suitcase for permanent storage. The random cards from random birthdays and/or think yous got reread, and then filed, and then eventually tossed too... but then we came across the journals.

What do I do with the journals? The documentation of a life that is going to be a permanent past attached to a name I will no longer be known by?

I ended up throwing them into the suitcase after thumbing briefly (embarrassing!!) but it finally dawned on me that those memories are going to be replaced a million times over by more significant events and persons.

The things that made me "me" now, are drifting into this strange dimension called my old life as a child, a young adult, a single, a "Wanke". I know people go through this everyday, and I know I kind of expected that, but this time packing up my room was- packing up my old LIFE!!!

This isn't just a cool day ahead with a pretty white dress, bouquets, and dancing after... it's the birth of the next phase of who "me" will grow into. She'll fill new journals with new angst, prayers, and love for people she never knew before. The only thing constant will be her family and Christ. That is attached to such beauty and mixed with a small dose of sadness. Not a mourning, but a goodbye.

I can't help take in my surroundings now everyday. Looking up at the starry sky over the Palisades, appreciating the wealth showed off in the neighbors homes, and watching the sunset over the hillside from the deck of the backyard. Even the job I've had for 5 years is ending! They were all things I knew would eventually pass and never belonged to me. And as I move on, I am so happy, but with a tiny sadness that accompanies that goodbye.

I am starting to understand that whole "long walk down the altar" thing. It never made sense to me before, and now I see it as more than a strange tradition- it's a symbol of the straining towards what is ahead, it's that altar and the entire life waiting for me there. It's center is Christ thank goodness and it's why there is no fear there. I wondered how a wedding could possibly and truly be glorifying to God when it accompanies so many bills and drama, and tears...

(Oh Philippians, how blind I was)

It's a Good, goodbye.

It's why every time I practice saying my vows I can't get through them without crying. It means so much because it's an amazing hello mixed with the sweetness of goodbye.

I couldn't grasp the entire picture until I was almost there.

And it's dawned on me that I have so much more to learn and discover as I walk out the billion of next phases ahead. Things I can't understand yet.

And don't need to.

I just need to keep my eyes ahead, and walk toward that altar without any fear.

Okay... time to cut loose.

2009-02-28T23:20:00.002-08:00

No more pity parties, no more stressing. Let's focus on that Party!

Mercy Triumphs over Judgement

2009-02-26T12:10:00.003-08:00

I am ashamed to admit that I am everything I hoped I'd never be. I have had thoughts I never wanted to think, and done things I never wanted to do. I'm not talking about "all of my life", I'm talking about planning this wedding.

I was so good at seeking God and sitting at His feet in the midst of my loneliness and sorrow, disappointments and rejections when I was single. I was so good at "waiting on the Lord" and drawing comfort there when I had no one else to comfort me. It was easy to lean on my Father when everything was hard and wrong, and then something changed. My earthly dreams all came true at once, and although I really DID stop and point it back to Christ ever grateful for his mercies in my life, I went and walked on without Him after that.

I didn't stop believing in Him, but I stopped leaning. I stopped learning about His promises, and I stopped spending time in the kinds of prayers that allowed us to become so incredibly close these past 10 years. It wasn't because I was ungrateful, but it is because I am self-righteous. Because all those anguish filled prayers started from a place of "want" and "desire" that remains there now. Drawing close to God with them meant that HE got to mold them and tame them and break them and so when it got all good, and I became distracted with Headcounts, deadlines, and ceremony time lines those desires just flourished there and matured and grew legs, and wings, and started owning me because they stopped being owned by Christ.

I don't know what I could have done differently, because I didn't expect that. I mean, if you become so close with someone, how could you ever expect not to be close to them forever? It's been a shocking wake-up call.

This season of celebration has come alongside a sorrow I did not expect, and it is because going forward our hope was always that our marriage would glorify God, and yet I never really did the heart work to allow it. Suddenly, everything else took a spot in my heart that belonged to Christ- the opinions of others, the schedules, even the laughter.

Brian and I were asked to memorize James 4:1-2 this week in an exercise of communication at our marriage counseling session. so that when our own communication fails within our marriage, we'll be reminded by scripture to check our own desires first. It's no coincidence that as I was memorizing this verse it kicked me in the butt a million times over, and where I tried to tell myself that it was "for later" The Lord graciously reminded me that it is "for always".

This was the one time in my life I truly believed I had a right to be selfish. The one time. And yet all it's gotten me is so far away from my favorite companion that I'd lost myself. I'd lost my joy, and forgotten all about my Hope. My Savior. My faithful and ever so loving Father who freely gives. As saddened as I am at my own heart, I am so relieved that God remembered that hope and prayer FOR us. That this marriage will truly be for His Glory alone, and is now taking it back where I forgot to give it.

It's so easy to get lost in all of this. SO easy.

Father, please help me, and thank you for already rescuing me from the desires that battle within my selfish heart.

Sound advice (not mine)

2009-02-10T12:30:00.002-08:00

Even though I am super biased (being a wedding vendor myself) I found a recent post on one of my favorite Bridal Blogs and held it dear.

Especially this line: "Hire a videographer!!!"

I can't imagine why you wouldn't in this media age of instant video messaging and facebook postings, but if you were on the fence about it before, let me remind you not to leave it until last in your budget (because of you do, it won't fit).

While all things pass away, your pictures and your video will forever remain. And if you are a Shoreline Bride, you automatically qualify for a "family discount" should you decide to splurge via my services. (but the turnaround time is alas, not instant with this package)

My feelings won't be hurt if you don't choose Mise En Seen as your vendor but, it's hopefully an incentive to at least keep it on the checklist, no?

Uncle Bill may own a handicam... but the shakey footage with his voice narrating or jumpy cuts may enrage you enough to never watch it again, and I wouldn't want you to have to go through that agony.

It's a win-win. Ladies. A win-win.

(HT: StyleMePretty)

With this ring...

2009-01-28T11:17:00.002-08:00

Through out the planning process although we have hit a number of "speed bumps" along the way- for the most part I have been awed by the way things are coming together for this thing. I mean, seriously, "ideas" become reality (at a discount) over and over, and although- sheesh I have had my share of meltdowns, I got to take a step back last night after a sniveling fit and go run an errand with my beloved, which turned into not only figuring out his ring size, but freakin' working with the designer to mold his almost perfect ring into THE perfect ring in 10 mins flat.

I proudly informed my better-half-to-be that this purchase was the responsibly of the bride, and slammed that debit card down proudly.
To go please.
(Yup. Paid cash for the sucker it was THAT reasonable). The best part about the night was that we bought it from the guy who designed & made my ring and so although it is totally SO Brian, it actually compliments mine and anyone can see immediately how they match up.

Brian went from not being used to wearing any kind of jewelry to wanting to wear it out the door immediately. But alas, we tucked it safely away into that little black box to await it's formal debut on the big day.

I tell this story for 2 reasons.
1) God is so gracious to me even when I am at my sloppiest by not only providing relief and comfort to my anguish through the comfort and communication of fiance, family and closest friends-- and then goes ahead and provides us with such a special and significant gift- a wedding band- the symbol that he will wear to represent the fact that we are one for all time in a few short weeks.

2) You have to go and visit this jeweler. If you have my specific taste you'll just D-I-E. And even if you don't, you'll be able to appreciate the amazing imagination and creative mind this guy has. Seriously. If you are sold on a style and he tries to swing you but you don't budge, he will take your idea and run with it and make it better on the spot so the end result is not exactly what you first wanted, but now better. So it's still him, and still you all rolled into one.

He didn't try to up sell us either. I mean, yeah, he tried to tell me that the White gold is his favorite but when I stood my ground he was immediately on board with my metal choice and super happy for us. (maybe even happier to make a sale on the spot?)

So take a stroll into LaVitrine and ask for Musti. He had a store on Montana in Santa Monica and also in Woodland Hills.

I dare you not to fall in love with something. If you are on the hunt for a different kind of band for yourself, or something simple with a twist for your fiance, you won't be disappointed. Heck you'll probably just have to have something in the window regardless!

Please tell him we sent you. He may not exactly remember us, but he'll be happy to hear you were referred. Brian and I are predicting he'll hit it big any day. Then we'll no longer be able to afford him, but at least we'll each already own a design by Musti!

Thanks so much to my Sister for finding him for Brian! (and if you ask her how, she has a great story about that).

Now, on to the next project....

Tales of a sometimes insomniac...

2009-01-26T11:37:00.003-08:00

Last night was a rough one. I had no issues falling asleep, but for some reason I awoke startled out of a dream (that I don't remember details of) around 3am.

I realized it was because my computer had finished "rendering" the file it started long before I drifted to sleep... and the volume was way up so the "finished" beep had probably done it to me, and so I groggily stepped out of bed to take out the freshly burned DVD movie I'd created, and moved on to the next step which would take a few more hours, and crawled back into bed.

5 mins tick by.... 10....20...30 (at which point I decide I need to go to the bathroom) so I get up, more groggy, and stumble around until I find the bathroom door and blast myself with the super bright light. Ugh. So wrong. I need a nightlight... too late....

Off to bed I go.
5 more mins.... 10...15.... I drift.... Bzzz.
BZZZZZZZ!!!!
A mosquito right in the ear! I am jolted awake again, and turn on my light (again). I HAVE to get that sucker.

But he is no where to be found. Dang it. I turn off the light, throw a blanket over my head so he can't get me, and try to drift to sleep but my computer finishes it's file. I try to ignore it. It can wait until morning....

5mins....10...15.... SNIFF, SNIFF.... what the heck? Is it tuna? No, it's that stinkin' skunk! Gross.
I jump up again to close the window because the smell has penetrated my room when I think I see TWO EYES peering into my glass door! My heart jumps. That skunk is out to get me!
Then I realize maybe it was my imagination combined with the blue light on the computer tower. So I shut it down, but have flashes of a killer skunk peering through the darkness into my bedroom.

It's impossible to relax.
I throw the blanket over my head again and drift off to sleep for a few minutes, and then awake completely hot because my windows were closed. I throw off some blankets and then imagine the killer mosquito feasting on my body. So I get up (again), open the window (again) and sniff to fresh air. Good.

I climb back into bed and notice 2 hours have gone by. Great.

I drift again (sort of) when the wind picks up banging my blinds hard against the window.

Startled, I am awake, but there is NO WAY, I'm leaving this bed. Must squeeze 2 more hours of sleep into my annoying night....

Somehow I drift.

Then, the back gate next to my room opens and slams shut.
I think it's an intruder coming to get me but quickly remember it's Monday which equals the Pool man arriving at 6:30am sharp.

Dawn is breaking now.

I cover my eyes with a lavender eye pillow to shut out the light, cover my head to shield myself from hungry blood sucking mossies, and try not to think about the limited time of REM I have left.

I finally drift.

And wake to Valentine in the morning talking about something incredibly unimportant on the radio. I finally give in to the fact I wasn't going to get a good night's sleep this time around.

Then suddenly, it's 9:15am! And I'm late for work!

But at least I feel rested.

We put away childish things...

2009-01-20T10:47:00.003-08:00

This morning I woke up like every other. I had no groggy idea that an inauguration was in full swing until I overheard my landlord outside talking to the pool man.

"Ya gonna run home to watch?" he asked.
"I wouldn't watch that man if I were a ---"

(Hard to guess which party they voted for no?)

That small exchange reminded me to turn on the news in time to hear Rick Warren's prayer and see a sea of audience members' eye wandering followed next by Biden's swearing in and Aretha's anthem. I decided to do some light chores until the real action, and when Mr. Obama took the pulpit for his first speech as our new President, something he said struck me hard.

He said "Scripture says that we are to put away childish things..." and he related that to our country, to government, to the economy... it was an eloquent speech I suppose, but I had no idea what he was talking about because I was so hung up on the mis-representation of that scripture. In 1 Corinthians, Paul is talking specifically about our relationship with Christ. He's talking about God's Love, and the depth and wonder of it- how our understanding of that Love will increase and mature as we strive to follow Him, and then finally be fully fulfilled when we see Him face to face in Heaven.

After Obama's speech the news reporters struggled over that line too, each giving their own interpretation of what they thought the President meant by that. Maybe some of their conjectures were close to what Obama was shooting for... maybe... but I wondered if anyone actually got the real meaning behind that passage from the way Mr. Obama used it in his speech, and if not, then did it even remotely belong in there?

(Well, it pointed me back to the Bible that is for sure, so maybe it accomplished what it was supposed to do.)

Online I read the following thoughts from Mart DeHaan and the main objective became clear.

Whoever our President is, whatever he says or does, he is no more and no less
than a man that God is using to accomplish his purpose.

And that is what should always be pointing us back to Christ. That is how we put away childish things. By remembering to pray for the people God allows to come to power, and to pray for them. Blue team or Red team or anything else.

I won't rely on my President to interpret or teach me scripture. I have an amazing church and an understanding of the Bible to do that.... but I will remember the kind of faith that Paul expressed and wrote about in the Bible. And keep focused on the real and ultimate prize- that is Jesus Christ as my savior.

May God truly Bless America. No matter what comes next.

Location, Location, Location!

2009-01-03T11:13:00.002-08:00

It's been a long road (on this fast track) but we finally found a location for our wedding over the Christmas "break" via a trip to my fiance's hometown. I am in love with it as much as I was in love with my original idea- a backyard wedding at his Mom's home, and just when I was ready to be okay with "whatever hall who cares" as long as we ended up married at the end of it all, it was as if showing up here was meant to be.

During our tour of the grounds, I was giddy for the first time in our search, and found myself so enamoured. We had 6 more places to see- so to me, it was a good sign that we'd find something we loved.

"Today is a very good day." I shared with the entourage (Brian, his Mom, my sister, and brother in law).

Over the course of the day several of the competition locations eliminated themselves for various reasons- availability, cuisine limitations, style, (and then there was that one place with that one girl who distracted all of us - especially the guys- with her terrible makeup so we didn't hear a word of the pitch she'd presented....)

And in the end, after a "very good day" and two very strong candidates for our final location still in the running, we decided to rest our decision making a bit to spend sightseeing in the city of San Francisco and I realized how swimmingly my sister, my brother-in-law, and my future husband were bantering, and how happy it made me. This is true travel. This is going to actually be such a good thing! And oh how much it meant to me to see the trio actually start to really know and love each other!

The next morning over breakfast I called for a family vote. Will it be WW? or PO? make your mark and we'll tally the votes.

Brian's mom insisted in sitting it out. And although I hoped she'd be a good swing voter in case of a tie, I kept her on call in case we needed a tie-breaker.

A minuet later my sister announced the winner. It's unanimous! the PO has it!!!

I had no idea that all four of us felt that that place was so right. I was ecstatic that Brian had cast a vote without knowing my vote, and so, it was meant to be and there was no more indecision.

We signed the contract that afternoon, and set an actual date which began a real countdown to our nuptials.

Suddenly it became so real, with everything falling into place with so little effort.

The best part is that it still feels very much like the homey and intimate backyard gala I dreamed about in the beginning of all of this- but instead of doing all the work, we'll have a staff to do that for us, and an amazing rolling hillside as our next door neighbor.

I could let you in on more of the enchantment of our "PO" but that would ruin all the mystery behind it!

Instead, dream big, and specific, and just when you think it can't come true you'll find yourself in the middle of something bigger than you could ever imagine (and yep- within your budget).

Think it's too unrealistic? I did too. And yet over and over The Lord reminds me that it is SO easy for Him and all I have to do is trust.

Oh and Congratulations to the newest 2009 brides to be!

Be inspired. It's a very good day for you too.

Back to reality

2008-12-15T11:23:00.002-08:00

This weekend I babysat for 3 days and 3 nights for a 2&1/2 year old and an 11month old, and put my own life on hold. There were very little wedding tasks dealt with, no editing of any kind, zero shows to watch outside "Mickey Cwismas" and "Thomas The Twain" and the kids kept to a pretty simple schedule- Wake time, change time, snack time, play time, eat time, change time, sleep time, play time, change time, eat time, sleep time, change time, snack time, play time, change time, play time, change time, dinner time, bath time, book time, bed time... repeat!

It was easier this time around with a more verbal 2 year old to tell me what he needs and to do things "all by self" and a more independent 11 month old to crawl and scoot to what she needs instead of insisting on constant bouncing and heavy lifting.

Not to mention, I had a ton of help from Brian who is seriously a future super Dad (don't hate ladies).

The waking hours were tougher- one morning it was as early as 5am, and so I was done for the night (and I mean DONE) by 7:30pm... but still I noticed that throughout the day I'd had less upset stomach aches, less tension in my neck and back, zero emotional meltdowns and heck was all together and overall very relaxed all weekend!

So, back to my daily grind at work, after a 9:30am conference call about year-end monies due and tax preparations, I realized that I hadn't stressed over "the wedding" much and maybe needed to do so....

Hmmm "needed to stress".... That was seriously my thought process? I NEED to stress? Yikes.

I think I kind of knew that I was allowing a very exciting time in my life to turn into a source of anxiety, but until I spent a weekend with a much more simplified life, and almost zero focus on my "needs/ aka stress" I didn't know how much it's already eaten me alive.

Yeah, the clock is ticking, and yep, there is a very large "to do" list of tasks and "needs" to check off before we get remotely close to walking down that aisle... but I truly was brought more joy this weekend by having the baby reach out for me with a smile on her face, or by having Brian to tag team with when meal times and change time collided, than thinking about the logistics and complications over budget and location details all wrapped up into getting to our future vows to well, live a very self-less life together.

(Don't worry Mom, we won't elope)

But I went into this engagement thinking about how I hoped for simplicity because I have seen so many brides get all stressed out over everything that eventually passes away after the event has ended...
And there I was freaking out and crying over just that- all the things that will pass away.

Brian has done a great job this entire time of bringing me back from the brink of meltdown madness- saying- "in the end, you and I will say vows to each other, and then we'll be married. Focus on that, and it'll be beautiful anyways."

I believed him, but I couldn't see it because I'd become clouded with my stressors, with my tension, with "me".

Taking care of the kids made everything else kind of lay quiet and my vision of the true goal for this wedding to come back into focus again, a focus that I am about to embark on learning to care for others and look at the needs of others in place of myself... actually looks......calming!

Oh don't get me wrong, I have a LONG way to go, and a ton of learning to do. But I'm actually starting to look forward to all of what I'd forgotten was THE POINT for getting engaged.

The wedding will come, it'll be wherever it fits best, and we'll have a great time with our closest friends and family all together in one place.

But all of those details- the location, the flowers, the cake, the dress, will all pass away and in it's place will be reality.

Life.

After 30+ years of singleness and Independence, I never thought I'd start to discover in the end of that self--

Peace.

(now if I could just get that Thomas jingle out of my head)

What is, and is knot helpful...

2008-12-03T14:04:00.003-08:00

The past few weeks have flown by in a blur, and with as much overwhelming tasks ahead, Brian and I have managed at least to get the proper gears turning in regards to the wedding (and jumped way ahead of the ball in an area or two which never hurts).

This is what I have learned so far from a bride's perspective:

To knot or not to knot.com: Although it is like, the most popular wedding site ever, it has proved to be extremely unhelpful, and in fact more of a stresser than not. I should have known this as I discovered a year ago that as a vendor I couldn't afford to advertise my own business on there, which means (as a consumer) that anyone advertising on there is high end. But also, as soon as you sign up it has you put in a projected wedding date and immediately shoves in your face a huge countdown timer- with blaring checklist items that are immediately overdue. This for me, a very goal oriented person, created pure and immediate panic!

OH MY GOSH!! We just started planning and we already dropped the ball on 44 items? Make it 45, wait, hold on, they added another! 46! Now, instead of living in Bride to be bliss, I instead I want to kill myself. (overstatement, fyi)

Then there is the budget thingy.

We enter a very "respectful" if not modest number and hit "calculate".

Uh huh.... then it magically breaks all of your cost items into an amount allowed to spend. Sounds good right? Sure, until you get to the part where it says your budget for a wedding dress is $200. $200? Seriously? I mean it sounds like a good amount, but you try and log on to ClubWed on Target's site and look at those homely dresses and then tell me if $200 is enough to even cover you in white fabric day of!
Suddenly you realize that The Knot.com is making elopement in a pair of $80 Jeans is the only way you'll ever pull this thing off.

And so I said goodbye to the thing and hello to a few more "helpful" resources instead. So far, these blogs have been a daily read for me- and the best part is that they feature real weddings all the time with a link to vendor samples and website and locations that might not have made theknot.com's preferred list (aka less commercial, more friendly, and wow, even affordable).

Now I invite you to subscribe too, and avoid the traumatic experience of Theknot now or in the future.

I have either contacted, met or been referred to many of the vendors authoring these sites and can tell you that along with the amazing help and pep-talks from my fiance and closest friends, these ladies have also helped bring joy back into finding the right leads and ideas for details for this Wedding planning on a reasonable budget in well, plenty of time. (aka"The Beast").

Examples of greatness:
http://joyfulweddingsandevents.blogspot.com/ - Courtney is the BEST coordinator in the OC & SD! I love working with her because I am always informed about the next event and things get executed with elegance & style. She is also super sweet and always answers my bride to be questions with care!

http://jesihaackweddings.blogspot.com/ A friend of mine was in a wedding she coordinated so I follow her blog. She featured some amazing photographers whom I ended up connecting with about shooting our event!

http://thealisters.typepad.com/sparkliatti/ I just love the articles and ideas here.

http://www.weddingchicks.com/ They are the ones who taught me about raw diamonds when they featured a NY Jeweler who specializes in that line. It's how I dreamed up my dream ring!

http://www.stylemepretty.com/ They always have great decor ideas!

http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Main_Page Everything you need to know about every type wedding imaginable. With shorter checklists and actual templates and samples for things like writing vows or what to do in lieu of a bouquet toss.

The REALSIMPLE Wedding workbook was handed down to me recently, and it rocks. I love how it offers quick tips on every aspect from start to finish. Not overwhelming in the least and something I am enjoying in lieu of subscribing to Bridal magazines.

Don't forget to pick up a local "Here comes the Guide" for your wedding destination city- good overview of locations with price estimates and list of pros and cons. It has assisted our search greatly.

Now there is everything you need to know without theknot!

And if you have any fav. blogs I should be reading, pass em along!

So... what does your fiance DO?

2008-11-21T17:00:00.002-08:00

Brian has blogged a few times about various reactions from people that he gets when they find out what he does for a living. I never really thought about why it might be awkward because it didn't affect me.

Until two weeks ago, while during a toast to our new engagement a close friend and "pastor's wife" toasted to the idea that we'd get to be side by side in ministry as "pastor's wives" together, and as much as I was touched by her well wishes, I wanted to faint.

Wait a minuet... I'm going to be a what?? Okay so I should have thought it through so I had a better game face, but I figure I have my whole life to practice that one. And I really am just excited to become a WIFE. The pastor part will just be whatever it will be so I am trying not to over think it too much.

Although...

This week as I found myself answering that huge question "so what does he DO?" I believe I finally came to understand the awkwardness first hand. It started with my friend for NZ... we were in the car after spending time at church together and she let a few f-bombs drop but apologized over and over as if she'd damaged my delicate eardrums. I recalled being in NZ 2 years ago and we were in the car she did the same thing - without any apologies.

I informed my landlord about my engagement and she remembered he was a pastor from a previous conversation. "Well honey, good thing you have your own business so you two can stay afloat!"

Yesterday I ran into a couple from my old church and we got caught up briefly. I told them of my engagement to "a pastor" and the woman says "A pastor's wife huh? Well you gotta just take that freak flag and WAVE that sucker. Wave it HIGH!" And then tells a story about how she was so surprised that she actually met a "normal" woman the other day who turned out to be a pastor's wife (of all things!).

My Esthetician today also found herself perplexed when I told her what he did for a living
"well does he like, have a regular job to make money though?" and was silent when I tried to explain to her that it WAS his real job... then apologized for a slightly inappropriate joke she'd made about boyfriends earlier (that I had not been offended by nor remembered until she brought it up) because, you know, since he's a pastor... he isn't like that.

So when I saw this post from a young bride I'd done a wedding for last summer (new pastor's wife), It dawned on me that something deep inside has already started to take root that is out of my control.

Because I thought the video was freakin' hilarious, and know I would have rolled my eyes at the dorky-ness just a fortnight ago...

BC & CW's guide to planning a wedding...

2008-11-19T11:48:00.004-08:00

So the past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind, and although there has been "some" planning in the works, Brian and I hit a pretty large wall 5 mins. into our brainstorm conversation about wedding details and I pretty much had a five year old style melt down.

It went something like this:

(Brian scrolling through theknot.com's checklist)
"Don't need that... "check" And That's taken care of... right?
"Yeah- whatever just check it."
"Check"
"Oh and this-- big check"
"Uh no, don't check that one yet"
"But this... we can SO check this--"
"check"
"What about this? We aren't doing this are we?"
"Uh... maybe....no...."check"

BC: Okay now location... and guests, and budget.... let's see here- the knot says we have this much for a location with the budget we want.
CW: That's impossible. I can't handle this!!!
BC: Oh come on, we'll be fine. It'll be great!
CW: Please close the laptop- I can't breathe!
(Brian shuts the lid)
BC: Come on.
CW: Where?
BC: We're going to Banana Republic.
CW: New Jeans? YES!

Later at Banana Republic Chrissie imagines herself to be Tim Gunn as she encourages fiance to go down a size for a better fit, try a darker rinse all while Fiance emerges from the dressing room in the highest of fashion denim.

CW:Let me see you turn around.
BC: (Spinning)I like em.
CW:GORG!

(Next Pair)

CW: I heart those. You won't even need a belt!
BC: They are on sale.
CW: Sold.

The cashier rings Brian up and Chrissie feels a burst of adrenaline over the amazing price reduction she just witnessed. Brian scores 2 pairs of Jeans for the price of ONE!

CW:YAY I'm happy again!! New high quality Jeans that fit amazing for you and on sale!!!!

Brian also feels pretty good that his splurge turned into a super savings, and that it snapped Chrissie out of her misery.

BC: You know, if this is what makes you happy then I have a feeling that by the end of this whole wedding thing I may end up with an entire new wardrobe.

CW: So next time I melt down we'll get you some shoes?
BC: Or sunglasses. Whatever you want.
CW (Beams): I like wedding planning.

The moment, and the ring...

2008-11-11T22:29:00.009-08:00

These pictures DO NOT do it justice but it's a "raw diamond" dark in color- a gorgeous lavendar in the sun and as dark as night in low light. Surrounded by yellow hammered gold and designed by a jeweler on Montana in Santa monica (with the help of my lovely fiance).

Learn more about raw diamonds the way I first did here. And I dare you not to fall in love with the unique and one of a kind designs these "conflict free/green" gems inspire.

The 3 C's do not apply here obviously (because the color, sediment and flaws disqualify it from ever being able to be cut into the diamonds we know so well....but it's pretty darn awesome!

I'm in Love, I'm in Love, I'm in Love with a beautiful boy!!!!

2008-11-10T11:11:00.003-08:00

50 points to the one who can name that musical number.
1 point to the one who knows why it's an appropriate song for the title of this post.
(Only 1 because it's an easy one)

But for those of you who are still perplexed... I'm engaged!!!!!!!!!!

The facts are these:
On Saturday, Nov. 8 7pm* (time is approx. as I was in a fog pretty much)- Brian convinced me (after I greatly protested) to meet him at his apartment to "hang out and watch a movie" amidst an insane and jam-packed schedule. (morning- meeting. Afternoon- Baby shower in El Segundo. Eve- Pick up Rachael from NZ from Airport. Get dinner, begin hosting...)

I won't lie, it was a strange request*. I was stressed out by it, and was tempted to wonder what he had up his sleeve (but killed that curiosity for fear I'd be disappointed) and instead resorted to asking my sister what she thought about me leaving the shower a tad early and flaking on Rachael. She encouraged me that she had my back and that I should just go.
How could I be mad at my BF wanting to hang out? So I worked on my selfish attitude and prayed God would "bless our time together" and walked up the stairs to his place in a good but tired state.

He hugged me hello and I heard his heartbeat. It was RACING! I didn't mention it.
"So, do you want some snacks while we watch the movie? I have some stuff on the coffee table for us!"
"Um. Sure..." (seeing the spread of grapes, cheeses, prosciutto, rosemary & olive oil triscuts, red wine/ aka all my favs.)
I had little appetite but was starving so I grabbed a cracker with cheese.
"What movie is it?" I asked
"A surprise." He said.
My stomach dropped. I sipped some wine. Then bit into the cracker but it stuck in my mouth because it had gone dry.
He started the "movie" and HIS FACE was on the screen.
I put down my cracker and grabbed my wine. Took another drink.
He started the movie and looked straight ahead for the entire 30 mins following while I howled with laughter, screamed OH MY.... GOSH at every other scene, and teared up over and over. I knew what was coming, but I couldn't believe it was actually happening, and I was obsessed with the fact he'd gone through so much trouble of making me such a great video. I wanted to hear every word he said in it, I paid attention to every song selection and artist, and I wanted to know who was behind the camera at every second as well as who in the world EDITED it and how the heck did he come up with a very cool editing style? I was blown away. He'd done it all with the help of our closest friends- all to tell me the story of "us" in a medium I know (and heart) the best!

When it was over, he slid off the couch onto bended knee and a ring box appeared in his hand. Teary eyed he said,
"I love you very much" and "will you marry me" (the only two sentences I remember from that moment.)
"Of course!" My tears became giggles and I wanted to hug him but got distracted when he opened the box and put the most INCREDIBLE and UNIQUE and everything I wanted in a ring on my finger!
I ran to the light to take a closer look.
So amazing. I die. And so, ME!!!
I am mostly touched and thankful to have a video that he worked SO HARD ON say everything he felt for me documented so i can watch it over and over for the rest of our lives.

For the next several minutes we just kind of giggled and said "we're getting married!!" in between I gazing at the ring, and gazing at each other, and then we strategically texted and called the people who needed to be in the know immediately (aka parents and friends) and took teeny breaks to be all giddy and stuff down food because we both realized we were at this point, starving.

A handful of people showed up to help us celebrate later and offered up toasts and hugs. My friend Rachael (my NZ Sis) had arrived safely with my sister Jaime- and my old friend Kenna from Orcutt, who'd come into town for her baby shower dropped in, my brother came by too, and I couldn't believe at as awful as the timing of the event felt (beforehand) it was all together perfect and had included people who otherwise wouldn't have been able to be there!

Of course, my sister was in on it. Of course my friend Liz was too as she showed up with baked goodies for everyone and champagne. They always pull things off so well (and ha, play it straight when I go fishing for information from them!!)

The best part of the night (among everything) was finally being able to say "I love you" to each other. We'd saved that phrase until then, and somehow, although "I really, really like you" had started to grow stale months ago... saving saying I love you now comes with weight and promise and I never have doubt with those words.

Most of you know my whole story, and as my sister put so well and simply in her toast to us "brian was well worth the long wait" I can't express how much that is so true. He simply is SO right for me, and for my family, and for my time in life. I remember wondering if God had forgotten that I longed to be loved someday- but I no longer remember what that longing felt like because I am so full.

People told me over and over, "you'll just know" or "it'll be worth it when it finally happens" or "God is faithful" Phrases I loathed to hear. But now I finally understand what they meant. And I finally know. And I am happy to tell them that they were right!

So I hope that my story will encourage you too- lady in waiting. Maybe even in longing. God remembers you. And He is faithful. His timing is more perfect than you could ever imagine, and you don't need to believe me because He is faithful. I never understood why I was single so long, but I no longer care. I am just so full and so happy.
Oh and don't worry, I won't be able to help myself by blogging about the next phase of wedding planning so if you care to stay up to date with the developments! Stay tuned.

--

*unusual request: 1) it was a Saturday, and we NEVER hang out on Saturdays because it is prep day for Brian's sermon. I mean, even when Brian has a Saturday OFF we rarely see each other. Saturdays are just never on the table.
But he insisted. And brought it up a few times so it seemed important. He never asked for anything of me our entire relationship. And today he wouldn't back down.

Feed Me (Mrs.) Seymore!

2008-11-06T09:30:00.004-08:00

"Food" for thought to all the Winter '08 Brides to be and listen up '09 brides! Add the following article to that big 'ol binder of yours and we (aka your vendors) will love you for it.

Why should you care?

Well...

when was the last time you worked 8 hours straight WITHOUT a break?
(HT: Sparkliatti.com)

To offer? Or not to offer...

2008-10-21T11:15:00.004-07:00

My Starbucks run this morning presented to me a great dilemma.

There was a very aged man with a cane, white hair, and thick glasses standing at the bar side, and the barista instantly whipped up a cappuccino for him. He didn't have to stand in line to order, he didn't have to wait to receive it, and he didn't care about getting his change back- he just handed the guy 2 bucks and shuffled then to the sugar. (The barista ended up coming out front to place the change in his hand and the man had no idea what was going on).

I, by this time, was done ordering with drink in hand to also go and sugar and milk my drip and watched the aged man struggle to grab onto the sweet 'n low packet. His hands trembled. The pink packet refused to budge. Then he went for it again and hooked onto about 5 at a time, put one down in front of him, replaced the rest, went to grab another, missed, grabbed too many, put them back, tremble, tremble, and -- done! He finally had in trembling hand 2 pink packets!

By this time, I was done sugaring and milking my own cafe' and I was struggling to know what I should do.
Struggling while I watched him struggle.
And then he went for it. The task of ripping the 2 pink packets open with his trembling, uncoordinated, aged hands ... and he missed, they bent but did not budge, and so he shook, and trembled, and tried again, and then I couldn't take it anymore. I smiled at him and asked,

"Can I open those for you?"
"Huh? What's that?"
"Your packets. Would you like me to tear those for you?"
And he curiously cocked his head a bit at me like puppies do when they hear strange noises.
So I pantomimed it. (Maybe he couldn't her me)
Point to "Packets", hands pretend to rip the air "tear it?"
And he smiles a huge gummy smile, and pantomimes back by taking the packets up to his mouth and pretending to bite them open!

By this time, I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere and he wasn't in need at all.
He was just slow.
"I ain't dead yet!" He said loudly and everyone near by turned to witness the exchange.
"I'm close, but not dead!"
"Of course, well you enjoy."
And I rushed off without my pride.

The thing is, if I had never offered to help the old man, I would have felt guilty all day- like I had been a bad servant. And so selfish.
And yet when I DID offer to help him, I left feeling felt bad that I'd made him feel uncomfortable for pointing out his weakness (to him and maybe to anyone else who was in earshot).

I guess I can't be too hard on myself for being shot down after offering to help a stranger, but it made me think about what it looks like to be a good servant to those in need- IE, the elderly, the disabled, the weak...

Does offering to help them accomplish tasks that they may feel an empowerment of independence from actually put them down? Does it make me (the offer-er) arrogant for thinking that his execution of the sugar packets was met with great difficulty and therefore not efficient and therefore not good enough and so he needs MY help to make it best? (after all- he ain't DEAD yet)

I am sure I am reading way too much into this exchange, but it's probably because I have been mulling over the whole serving others thing on a larger perspective.

I am the first to admit I have no idea where the middle may be (if there is one.)
A middle where the weak feel cared for but not demoralized, and where the servants serve out of motives of care and not criticism.
A middle where even if the weak feel weak because the strong offer to help, that they graciously accept it anyways, and maybe even feel loved through it. A middle where the offer-er doesn't care at all if he/she is demoralized for offering.

I'll offer next time. Even if they hurt my feelings for not wanting it.
Even if I hurt their feelings for offering.

A Sneak Peek...

2008-10-14T19:28:00.002-07:00

I am currently editing the video for this wedding, and the coordinator just so happens to be running the couple's wedding highlights on her blog.

It's worth a look because the location was my favorite all summer. I had no idea a place like this existed within an hour's drive from Los Angeles. I enjoyed the flower girl's outfits and the color scheme too. And their candy bar and ice cream sandwich stand was a total hit with the attendees. Feel free to steal ideas if you are planning your own, or just enjoy the '08 trends and imagine me watching footage of all these shots in length over and over as I set it to music and make it into a movie.

Courtney, the wedding coordinator always makes the weddings I work run smoothly and like clock work. I "heart" her! Please pencil her into your budget if your pocketbook allows (and you are planning your OC or San Diego nuptials. (Yes, she travels too).

Now, back I go to the cutting room floor..

Love it...... LOVE IT.

2008-10-14T12:20:00.003-07:00

This week's Pushing Daisies (without providing a spoiler) proved once again to be the show of my dreams when the detective character "Emerson Cod" played by Chi McBride counsels an unhappy client resistant to difference and change with two simple words. "Love IT."

Det. Emerson Cod's command to this fussy, hard-nosed client causes her to instantly cease in her critiques and simply embrace her estranged daughter. There were several reasons this scene had me (and the rest of the room) in stitches.

First, was the fact that a very large and serious, tough but uber cool black man was using the phrase "Love it" (one of my personal favs.)
Second was that coming from him, nothing more needed to be said for the woman (and the audience) to "get it" and comply.
Thirdly, was the fact that you could take this 30 second snippet and insert it's application into ANY life situation and be able to laugh and cry at the delivery and relevance to any and every circumstance.

What if, whenever we come stomping in to God's "office" so serious about the strains and inconveniences dealt to us and cry to him to "fix them" and he does but in a different way than we expected and our still fussy and determined selves were unsatisfied with the final results of the outcome, and so he leans over, looks at us straight in the eye and commands. "LOVE IT." And so we have to?

Actually, He does say this through out scripture come to think of it, and yet it's so easy to take it as a "suggestion" rather than a command so we'll have "time" to accept it, embrace it, grow in it and then okay, fine, eventually "Love it".

But I'm starting to think that in the middle of our own fits and tantrums, it might do us some good if we received this message with a little "Chi" style round kick delivery.

Because maybe we are all a lot tougher than we think.

And I bet God knew it all along.

Radical Womanhood

2008-10-08T11:08:00.002-07:00

I've been waiting a good year for this book to get published. If you follow the same blogs I do, you've probably already heard about it, but it's a must have for my teeny (and growing) library. Don't get sick of hearing me muse over the topic just yet.= as I suspect it will remain one of my passions as a woman for a lifetime to come.

(HT: Carolyn McCulley)

The Steadfast Love of the LORD

2008-10-02T09:47:00.003-07:00

Psalm 33

1Shout for joy in the LORD, O you righteous!
Praise befits the upright.

2Give thanks to the LORD with the lyre;
make melody to him with the harp of ten strings!

3Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.

4For the word of the LORD is upright,
and all his work is done in faithfulness.

5He loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of the steadfast love of the LORD.

6By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
and by the breath of his mouth all their host.

7He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap;
he puts the deeps in storehouses.

8Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him!

9For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.

10The LORD brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;
he frustrates the plans of the peoples.

11The counsel of the LORD stands forever,
the plans of his heart to all generations.

12Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people whom he has chosen as his heritage!

13The LORD looks down from heaven;
he sees all the children of man;

14from where he sits enthroned he looks out
on all the inhabitants of the earth,

15he who fashions the hearts of them all
and observes all their deeds.

16 The king is not saved by his great army;
a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.

17 The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
and by its great might it cannot rescue.

18Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,

19that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.

20Our soul waits for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

21For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.

22Let your steadfast love,
O LORD, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.

The Lizard on Our Back

2008-10-01T10:39:00.002-07:00

I am a regular subscriber of RBC's Discover the Word - 15 min roundtable discussion about Scripture and devotions. Today, I got caught up on a few from last month and to my delight, they incorporated one of my favorite stories by CS Lewis to make their point about the importance of killing sin.

Set aside 15 mins. and then go here. I bet you'll not only be reminded about a very important truth but you'll also be wanting to pick up the book to read in it's entirely (it's a must-read). Oh and of course I highly recommend adding the podcast subscription.

Psalm 104

2008-09-22T13:00:00.005-07:00

I love spending time in the Psalms and Proverbs in between studying other Books of the Bible because I always find myself flipping there in times where I don't really have the words for certain prayers.

This morning I settled into Psalm 104, and was overcome by the reminders of how vast God is. It's a celebration of God's creations and how everything (no matter how scary or powerful see vs.19, 21, 26) yields to what God says for it to do and when.

I am often tempted to stress over small details but can usually talk myself out of letting it completely ruin me... but when it comes to the overwhelming "beasts" that threaten me or my loved ones' security, health or future it's easy to loose sight of the idea that God is in control of all of those "leviathans" too (see vs.26).

Psalm 104 put every "beast" in it's place for me this morning. In total submission to The Creator with reverent praise.

CW's Current Trends

2008-09-17T13:24:00.005-07:00

Lately,
I have had a few new loves pop onto my radar.
(If you hate surface, uninteresting and definitely not deep chatter, you'll wanna skip this post.)

But if you find yourself bouncing around while doing laundry to a new catchy song, muster an "oh!" while window shopping at the fall outfits making their debuts, or soaking in the aromas of new spices... why not indulge me for a bit by reading on...

A- is for Au Lait in place of my beloved Latte's to save a few bucks a month.
B- is for the little Black Dress I am on the hunt for as an essential piece I must add to my wardrobe this season.
C- is for "Community" and exploring the meaning of what that looks like in a Biblical Perspective.
D-is for dark nail polish! I know I am way behind on this one oh my gosh do I dig the look.
E- is for Editing 12 wedding videos in 2008!
F- is for Fleet Foxes' "White Winter Hymnal" and vintage "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins
G- is for Gold in Yellow. Brushed or hammered. Recycled. Because it goes with anything and it's green people!
H- is for Half-calf as I am starting to ween myself of my terrible caffeine addiction.
I- is for Instruments in the Hands of the Redeemer by Paul David Tripp. Again- behind the times, but a must read.
J- is for my sister. Who pretty much sets the trends for me and alerts me to the best deals in town.
K- is for knowing scripture better. A never ending frustration at myself for my lack of.
L- is for Lucky Magazine that a friend just got me my own subscription to! Thanks Sarah!!
M- is for "Mocs" (the usage of the word and the amazing slippers uber popular in stores right now that you gents can get away with wearing pretty much anywhere outside corporate America)
N- is for "NFP" and having my mind BLOWN by my friend's explanation of what this means and is.
O- is for OK as in "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson. You know her songs from all the ipod Nano commercials. Check her out. She's fun.
P - is for Purcells. As in Jack. Canvas, light gray broken in Men's size 13. Obviously not for me but a MUST HAVE.
Q- is for Quiet time. Improving on it's importance and emphasis to my day.
R- is for Reading more.
S - is for Sunglasses for the BF. I am obsessed with finding the right pair. He cringes every time I mention it but I am pretty sure he'll thank me later.
T- is for Trench coat- another must-have essential missing piece of my wardrobe for the coming winter.
U- is for Understanding others with compassion.
V- is for Vocab. The song by the Refugees and improving mine. Using "Ostensibly" correctly and naturally is my current focus.
W- is for "Womanhood" and all of the articles, ideas and thoughts about what that is circling the blog sphere.
X- is for xoxo
Y- is for "Lellow" after spending a week with a 2 year old I really miss his pronunciations of things!
Z- is for Zoe. Rachel. LOVE.

So, What are your A-Z's this season?

"I kissed That Dumb song about kissing a girl Goodbye"

2008-09-15T13:51:00.002-07:00

There is no way you haven't heard it by now if you listen to mainstream radio:

If not here are some of the lyrics:
"I kissed a girl and I liked it.
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it"

I accidentally woke up to this song a few weeks ago because my alarm was tuned to 104.3 FM and then I couldn't get it out of my head all day! It annoyed me. It is dance-able and has a great beat but made me feel icky that I bet so many girls "heart" it. I wondered if I disliked it because it was talking about a form of infidelity or if it was because it was a girl singing about a girl.
It was all those and more.

Then last night I happened to be walking past a group of women in their early to mid 50's discussing "life" and I tuned in to the woman with the shortest haircut saying:
"It was the most inappropriate thing they could have played at that wedding, I mean, it's a song about a girl who kisses a girl who has a boyfriend and hopes he's okay with that!"

And I thought to myself "Finally!!"

Because I started to wonder if the entire world had forgotten that it's not cool.
On so many levels.

And just because she liked it doesn't mean her BF has too... whatever happened to a good old fashioned punch in the face for antics like that?

Evolution, Rinse, Repeat...

2008-09-09T10:53:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I stopped in to see my dentist for a very minor and mostly cosmetic issue with my teeth. I've been going to him since was around 6 or so and so have my siblings. In his "older" age he sometimes gets my sister and me confused now always asking if I am a dietitian. Or if it's me that went to UCLA, or if it's me that is married....

No, I tell him, that's my sister, and he then he'll launch into my actual credentials and we go from there as he peers into my "boring mouth" rambling on about one of his own kids credentials.

Yesterday though, although most everything went routinely he asked me if I was the one who was married and I said no. And then he said "Oh... how old are you now?" And I answered. And he said "I mean, I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything..." And I said "oh, I don't it's fine. I'm dating." (as if I needed to somehow justify my singleness) and he said "Really? Great! What does he do?" And wow, I suddenly was going to add someone else's list of credentials to my dentist's Wanke "fact-file",,, and I said "well actually, he's a Pastor..."

And I kid you not, my dentist backed up away from my mouth tools in hand and said "REEEALLLYYY...." Then smirked and said "well what does he do for a real job?" And I calmly said "That is his job. He's doing great." And he said "so wow, how fun to work once a week... heh hee (as if he invented that comeback) And then his face turned a puzzled smirk "So what are you guys like one of those churches that doesn't believe in evolution or what?" And I don't know if he intentionally shoved the sucking tool and both his hands into my mouth at the EXACT moment I was supposed to answer, but he did so there I sit, mouth jammed, tooth in repair, tonsils exposed while I realize this is the EXACT moment I was supposed to be on my A game to defend the gospel.

But I couldn't speak.

So I nodded and managed a pitiful "mmm huh" as he launched into a million reasons why science is so magnificent, so wonderful, so real and important. He launched into the fact that science should be the REASON people see God in the world and that science is the key to getting any kind of decent paying job anywhere from AMGEN to Northrop.

He then told me all about his "fundamentalist born-again-er ski buddy" whom he ejoys a good debate with into the wee hours of the morning all about why evidence of evolution is easily found on the Galapagos Islands.

Then my original credentials kicked into his memory and he recalled I'd graduated from LMU and made sure to educate me on how the Jesuits are the ones that invented doing acts of service to get their loved ones into heaven. He made sure he called Catholics "those Christians" and that there was no difference between the two denominations until Martin Luther came along.... and oh by the way he was raised an atheist... was I raised Catholic?
"Cishen" I slobber.
"Christian, Catholic, it's all the same worship of Father, Son Holy Ghost which I've NEVER understood I mean whoooooo is there like a ghost or a being like watching me as I go the the restroom or what? Heh heh" (Tools have not moved from my mouth).

I grunt a bit and he removes the tools briefly. "Well, Christian's don't pray to the Saints or to Mary. That's the main difference."
"Oh sure, okay. Anyways..." (Tools re-inserted)

The repair to my tooth is complete and although he removes all tools, he hasn't paused in his tirade/science lesson and the wonders of neutrons and free radicals (which by the way is really INTERESTING to me- a mere close-minded-bound for unsuccess in any "good paying career field" science-hating born-againer...)

At this point, my chance to defend the gospel by explaining that although I don't believe in evolution (with an absence of God as creator) I do in fact believe that science exists and our universe is so big and majestic that it in fact points me back to the awe and appreciation for a creator behind every working proton and neutron.... has long passed.

I've missed the chance for a round table discussion about the Trinity, and I've definitely missed the chance to allow my limited knowledge about how Constantine and Martin Luther were important parts of how people practice Christianity "evolved" but what ever really always mattered was The Gospel.

I missed all that. Because I was sitting in a chair, mouth wide open, tools in place IN MY MOUTH!!

I thought to myself over and over- this isn't fair. Not fair! I have things I seriously could say with confidence here and there- I know the answer to that one too!

And then I thought of something. He didn't want to hear what I had to say. He wanted to tell me what he had to say. He wanted to make sure I knew why I was wrong (because I am a Christian) and why therefore all creation-believeing Christians are idiots.

He rattled off a 1/2 a dozen people in his life I am sure probably witnessed to him because he told me all about how they told him about the Bible and church --he just didn't seem to like things like "Creation" and "Jesus" and "The Holy Spirit". And then he made sure to mention about how Bush defended Creation vs. evolution and said "ha! what does he know? He was an alcoholic anyways."

I picked up a small mirror and looked at my newly repaired and polished perfect set of chompers. "Gorgeous work as always." I told him.
And for the first time he didn't shove a tool in my mouth before I could finish my sentence.

I will go back to him as long as I can because he is amazing at what he does, and I have great teeth to show for it. And I know that God allows my mouth to be blessed and cared for through the work of my dentist's hands.

And although it took over 20 years for us to ever have a conversation about church and God at least he can add it to my list of credentials up for discussion every time I go back into that chair.

And one day maybe he'll take a tool out of my mouth if he's truly interested in my answer.

Well, I'll be praying for the "Holy Ghost" to work on his heart for sure! ;)

Caught red handed!

2008-08-24T19:11:00.005-07:00

I blogged about this the other day, and last night I had my camera ready to provide proof!

Here's "Bandit" stealing figs (see him in the middle of the tree) and then being all cheeky starring me down with those glowing eyes after I snapped that first shot.

The Most Beautiful Sound I've Ever Heard....

2008-08-23T21:59:00.006-07:00

(Right after the exit, Matt & Nicole spend their first moments as
Husband and wife singing to each other! A real-life theatre musical
moment-- ahhhmazing.)

Hear That?

Wedding Bells!

This weekend I had the pleasure of filming the wedding of two close friends from my church- Matt & Nicole. I first met them when they showed up at a weekly prayer meeting one Thursday night 3 years ago and after meeting the sweet, fresh, witty couple I knew that there was something special about them.

Fast forward to a few years later where, Nicole had grown from a brand new christian to a young woman of Godly character and maturity well beyond her 21 years. This past year she even started co-leading one of the women's small groups for me and so, pours into her peers as much as soaks in the wisdom of others.

Matt is just as special, just as fun, and such a significant part of the church that Shoreline would not be what it is today had he and Nicole decided to skip that fateful first prayer meeting.

I say all of this because as a friend, being a witness to their vows was incredibly special. As a videographer, it was such a treat to film and be able to preserve it for them forever. Everything from beginning to end was laid back, full of dance moves, smiles, tears of Joy, and a celebration of the true meaning of what a marriage date should be. It was all of this and more.

All of this with a stripped down ceremony (prayer, scripture,vows, rings, kiss, exit) and it was the best one I've captured all summer. I am sure I am biased on so many levels, but that's okay- the rest of their guests were too.

I have over 6 hours of footage from that day, but here are some stills from that footage that will give you a true preview of the "feel" of their final film--

True Joy, and a marriage made in Heaven.

Congratulations Matt & Nicole!

Little glowing eyes...

2008-08-21T10:23:00.003-07:00

It's been a long time since I've been to Disneyland and so I am not sure exactly which ride it is-- but it's one where it's pretty dark inside, and you float along on a water cart of some kind- looking at all the animatronic animals and characters within the ride's story theme and see a bunch of glowing eyes in the bushes.

Anyways...

The fig tree outside my window is in full bloom now. I noticed the ripening figs a week ago and knew that meant that everything from crows to squirrels, the occasional possum and raccoons would soon come taste and eat.

Last night, they were back. The familiar trio from last summer. Three very large, fearless and raccoons. At first I wasn't sure it was them because the moonlight illuminated their dark figures moving near the pool and sometimes they looked as huge as coyotes, or as small as cats. As long as it wasn't a human I wouldn't jump out of my skin but there was no way I was going out there.

It doesn't freak me out as much as it did last year. I am positive they aren't interested in coming into my room through the screen door anymore (although they don't mind starring me down and standing up on their haunches to make themselves look intimidatingly tall so I won't interrupt their midnight snacking) but they still wake me up in the middle of the night which is just not cool. And living in a big house on the top of a hill without traffic noise to drown them out makes their arrival into the yard via the Ivy-covered wall- well- not very stealthy.

At all.

They rustle, they thump, they squeal a weird occasional communication back and fourth and man when they chew on those figs- they smack and gurgle without closing their mouths. What's worse, is they really like to wash their paws in the pool. So they splash and swish and pat the water in between fig feasts.

I walk you through all of this because if I were you I'd think about how cute this all might be. I'd think about how God made each of those little rascal raccoons and "provides" late summer night meals for them to feast on every year. I'd be thinking about all of that too.

And I was.

Until I pulled out my flashlight and shone it out my window into the darkness.

And I didn't see anything at all except three sets of bright glowing eyes looking right at me.

And they weren't animatronic. And I wasn't on a ride at Disneyland.

And it was 2am.

I put myself back to bed but couldn't block out their rustling, their splashing, their chewing for another 20 minutes.

Oh, and those glowing eyes will never be endearing.

After the final Gold is given...

2008-08-18T10:44:00.003-07:00

I'm looking forward to re-entering the world of good films after the Olympics madness passes. For now, I'm going to continue to stay glued to NBC throughout Track & Field and the gymnastic final round but here are a few flicks I "must see":

THE FALL starring Lee Pace/ Pushing Daises.
I missed this one when it was in the actual theatre because it was a tiny film and only up for a few weeks so I'll snag it when it comes to DVD and invite myself to impose upon the largest screen I can find because the visuals are supposed to be amazing. Plus, it's a movie that stuck with my brother for days after-- and that is hard to do so I know it was good. Check out the trailer. You'll be intrigued!
A must "save" for your Net Flix Que.

HENRY POOLE IS HERE starring the brooding and oh so endearing Luke Wilson.
Christian magazines are ALL over this one because of it's "message about Hope" -- the story was written based on the true experiences of the writer's own life trials and faith. The cast is top notch and the trailer expresses a dark, dry wit. Something I always find incredibly brilliant.
Now Showing.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON starring Brad Pitt & Cate Blanchett
Need I say more with a cast like that? The trailer immediately mesmerized me in when it started showing up during the commercial breaks between Olympic Track and Field Heats and has my official vote for our traditional Wanke Christmas Night Movie out.
Opens Christmas Day.

See you at the movies! (But first, I gotta go see how the gymnasts are holding up)

Um... That's Bananas!

2008-08-04T23:43:00.004-07:00

So this is what you get when I am home alone editing all night long. You get addicted to the newest and the most fabulous Reality TV ever invented by Bravo. Usually my tube cycles through Project Runway repeats, Top Chef marathons or a heavy dose of Jon and Kate Plus 8. If I am in a really sassy mood- I'll tune in to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel-- all I can relate that back to is my childhood obsession with nature shows... but I digress...

In a few weeks, LC and all her friends at The Hills will join the mix. But today something new and wonderful entered my screen, and it was a series about Stylist to Celebrities Rachel Zoe's "real" life!

The woman is ... well ... you HAVE to watch her! She not only has a closet jam packed with "vintage" gowns that start at 3k.... she wears the largest sunglasses, and highest heels amongst perfect curls without apologies. And to top it off, she has her OWN VOCAB!! I mean, who else can like use a fruit as a describing word?

It won't come as easy to me as it does to Rach-- but next time I see you "shut it down" (looking beautiful) I'll be sure and tell you it's "bananas" (fabulous).

Next week more Rachel-isms to look forward to:
1. "It's amaaazing."
2. "I die."

Oh c'mon. LOVE it!

Word Clouds Rock my uniVERSE!

2008-07-31T15:28:00.003-07:00

Get all arty-fartsy by pasting your own verbiage in a text box at this very cool site.

I was shocked.

2008-07-30T11:02:00.003-07:00

I got into my car this morning, turned on the radio and at the end of my drive was crying my eyes out. It was devastating and encouraging and a stark reminder that life is so incredibly short.

I hope that you will take time to watch Pastor Greg Laurie's message that he presented to his congregation this Sunday. And if you happen to have been in my Tuesday night Small group it is incredibly applicable.

And if you just happen to read this blog but are not a believer, or have ever wondered about how a "good God" could let bad things happen... then I hope you'll also find some comfort in what he has to say.

Is it Just Me?

2008-07-24T11:14:00.001-07:00

Or is this article a complete DOWNER?!

I wish my Dad was nearby so I could hear him say "Ohhh Paaaleeeasze!"

Awakening

2008-07-09T11:00:00.005-07:00

I woke up in a foul mood for several reasons this morning and tried my best to shake it off by putting into practice some of the things our small group has been discussing on Tuesday nights- how focusing on the Gospel changes your perspective in even the mundane.

It kind of worked, although the black cloud turned mostly then to gray...

Nonetheless I got an earlier start than usual and decided to take advantage of the extra time by grabbing my morning latte and then window shopping on Main street for a bit and I found myself memorized by the window display for the store "Paris 1900". I never have quite figured out what they sell in there because it's always closed but today there were three antique bridal gowns perfectly positioned as if it had transported itself directly from a real-life bridal shop storefront in the 1920's. The gowns in the window were something I have never seen before outside of old movies and I became enthralled examining the delicate detail of the lace and ruffles, daring to imagine what it would look like on. And then something snapped me out of my trance and I realized I was slightly embarrassed should any passer-by be observant enough to care that I was (gasp) looking at wedding dresses!
I mean what if they like THINK that I like WANT to like "get married" or something?? THE HORROR!!!!

And then I sipped again on my latte, breathed in, and smiled at my idiotic concern. You see, I wasn't really concerned about what strangers may conclude about the girl gazing at the vintage wedding dresses in the window, I was concerned at what I would think. I was concerned about what it would do to me, and it's why I have not allowed myself to stop and gaze into the window of a wedding dress shop or a jewelry store since 2002.

I can remember that day- the very day I told myself to stop it. It was November of 2002 and we were in Vegas for my brother's birthday. I had a regular habit of perusing the magazine racks and opening a "Modern Bride" Magazine just to see. I'd done this since I was just out of High school and that day- that very day I was walking inside the shopping area of the Venetian of all places and saw a gown in the window and started to veer when I stopped in my tracks, and told myself never ever to do that again because I was not to be "that girl." And I've stuck to my guns.

Until today.

But the funny thing is, that until today I didn't know I had taken myself so seriously. I mean, who cares about me anyways? Some regular girl looking in a dress shop window, so what? I know why I made myself abstain from dreaming about all things wedding for so long, and it was because I knew that I was easily distracted by it's importance for my life. Back then, although I wanted to get married someday, I felt like it was impossible and light years away, and I was terrified of becoming desperate in the wait. So I shut it off.

Maybe that was a good thing for me (although a bit drastic). But today, looking in the window, I found myself waking up to the enjoyment of realizing that I actually have a preference or a style in that area- an area that yes, is still a someday but wow, I never did grow desperate in the wait after all, and in fact I realize that as attractive as all the things surrounding weddings are, they only last a few hours and then life takes over, so the wedding is something to look forward to, but not all.

So maybe I'll go ahead and stop and peer in the next window if I want to, and other times maybe I'll just walk right on by without a second thought. But I'm not going to care anymore if people think it's because I want to get married ... I'm going to care if I want to, and then I'm finally gonna deal with it.

Because it's time to be honest with myself, and that is scary, but so much more free.

"Just Stop it"

2008-07-08T13:16:00.002-07:00

This post came from Beth Moore today, and it's why I have always appreciated the direct-ness of her teaching. Read it with a Texan Drawl for emphasis, and then when it comes to our own sin, let's get serious and stop it!

Enjoy the full post here.

Sometimes we just need to STOP IT. Just plain stop it. We don't need to keep praying over it. We don't need to keep deliberating it. We don't need one last shot at it. We don't need five more years of counseling over it. We flat need to stop it. Like, for instance,

*If we're married and we're flirting with somebody at work (calling it harmless), we need to stop it.
*And, Lord have mercy, if any of us are having affairs, we need to stop it NOW. With every second that goes by, the consequences are mounting. Please do not let the enemy trick you into thinking you're getting away with it. You're not. Don't rationalize it. Don't tell me what a jerk your husband is and how you're finally in love for the first time. Get some fear of God and stop it.
*If we're being a brat about something, we need to stop it.
*If we're still punishing somebody for what they did to us, we need to stop it. Enough is enough. Let God deal with them.
*If we're trying to do God's job with somebody, we need to stop it.

No Scripture says it more succinctly and exactly than Isaiah 1:16b: "Stop doing wrong." Hear the voice of God say, "I've warned you and warned you and warned you. STOP IT."

I say this as a woman to whom sometimes a brief, "STOP IT NOW!" works better than anything. I love you so much and I want all of us to live in the full blessing of God that only obedience can invite. His will is for us, Siestas. Go with God on this or things are going to get really ugly. Take the warning and stop.

HT: The LPM Blog/ Beth Moore

For all the Dudes I ever knew that played guitar...

2008-07-07T14:27:00.001-07:00

This is for you!
And no, I am not ashamed that I was one of those girls at that camp who was secretly crushing while pretending not to listen.

Ode to Tweens!

2008-06-30T13:49:00.006-07:00

This weekend I had the chance to come along on a girl's Jr. High ministry outing with my sister's church, and we took them camping on Catalina Island. Jaime (my sis) is the leader of the ministry "The Cultured Pearls" and planed the whole thing from start to finish so it was cool to be more of a helper than the captain.

The girls were extremely friendly and excited about going camping without their parents and their ages ranged from 14-8 so we really got a chance to enjoy the adventures from their perspectives. I couldn't believe how much weight everyone pulled. And I mean WEIGHT! We had 19 pieces of luggage filled with gear, supplies and etc. that somehow only 9 of us total managed to lug back and forth without any outside help. I remember looking back at the older girls carrying the smaller girls' bags, along with their own, and shoving an extra suitcase around as well without complaint. I have traveled with grown ladies twice their size who couldn't have managed that kind of strength! It was amazing and a true reflection on my sister's leadership- that everyone was pulling their own weight and then some without an audible grumble.
They were tough and brave little girls with the FUNNIEST things to say. That age is still very innocent and yet incredibly smart.

So, in honor of the weekend, I wanted to share a few quotable moments from the weekend that had me rolling in the aisles...

"Sometimes I sing to my food, but not to rice crispies. I don't like them so I ignore them." - Cheri age 12

"Watch out for Breana, she's little but gassy. She totally boxed us in all night!" - Grace Age 14 on her tent-mate Breana, Age 8.

"Chrissie, you are SOOOO girly!" Rachel, Age 8 after my reaction to her fascination with touching bugs.

"Hey look! We don't have a campfire, we have a LAMPfire!" Grace, Age 14- after we gathered all the lights into a pile in lieu of a campfire circle.

"Okay everyone, if the trolley driver rejects our luggage amounts you all know what to do, right?" - Jaime
"YEAH!! Tie him up and take over!" The girls.
"And Cheri will be behind the wheel right Cheri?" Jaime
"WAIT! I'm older, how come SHE gets to drive?" Noelle, Age 14
"So you are upset about not getting to drive an imaginary bus in an imaginary scenario?" Chrissie
"Well I'M OLDER! I should get to drive before her!" Noelle
"Oh Noelle.... eventually you are going to realize that being an older sister doesn't guarantee you every first." Chrissie

Being Parental

2008-06-23T11:14:00.003-07:00

Today is my re-emergence into "normalcy" (as far as I am concerned).

For the past 5 days, I was caring for two infants (2yrs & 5mos.) and although I have known these kids since the day they were born, I didn't know what to expect from taking care of them for several days so their parents could enjoy a well deserved time of rest and relaxation away for their anniversary.

Now, sitting in front of my computer having "time" to answer emails and catch up on actual work duties and messages is a luxury. I am stretching out my biceps and shoulders after days and days of "heavy lifting" a toddler and a growing baby, and am trying to filter out the Sesame Street, Lion King, and Beauty and the Beast jingles I've been humming over and over with more current music on my ipod.

I "knew" motherhood was a demanding job. I didn't "know" for sure until this experience. I also didn't know that no matter how tired you are, how stressed, how burdened, how spent you are- that there is a reserve deep inside that always, always kicks in to keep you going when they need you. Even at 1am, and 3am, and 6:15am... when the kiddies voices come over the monitor and there is something that clicks on- a "fix-it" mode or a nurturing instinct that carries you through all the loss of sleep and "me time" into the next day and night. And although it was really hard at times when one was hungry and the other needed a diaper change, having that two year old come hug my legs for comfort, or crawl into my lap for a cuddle, rocking a tired baby to sleep and cooing with her on the floor as she makes new discoveries about what her body can do... was something that offered a glimpse of so many rewards that must come from being a parent along with the sacrifice.

It gave me a new appreciation for what Mothers go through on a daily basis, and a bigger appreciation for the Fathers that stay around and help. I couldn't IMAGINE how people raise children on their own, and I suddenly have so much respect for their triumph in that difficulty.

Fortunately, I had plenty of help every day from friends, family, and people who LOVE these kids.

Although I must admit, there was a side of me that felt overwhelmed by my novice in this role,
there was also a part of me that was amazed that I was able to troubleshoot and "fix" the tears and keep everyone relatively happy and healthy (for 5 days at least).

Being a mom was never one of those things I obsessed over. In fact, I remember babysitting throughout High School realizing I didn't really even LIKE kids! Now, I realize that kids are amazing complex little persons that bring joy along with trials that only God can really grant you the strength and wisdom and grace to raise well.

And you know, there is so much joy there after all. Joy along with a great sacrifice.

But maybe it's only a sacrifice because I am so used to all of my eyes on only me.

I have a deep appreciation, respect and amazement for Moms and Dads out there. I seriously, seriously do, and because of that truly hope that I can always be there to pitch in when you need a break or two!

As for me, it's still to fresh to think about having "my own". But I know that day will come, and there will be even bigger lessons to come with that.

God give me strength! :)

If you have a weak stomach... don't look!

2008-06-08T22:33:00.004-07:00

This guy has taken up residence on our lamp post. He seriously gets bigger every day.

And yes, I do live in Los Angeles!

I thought I would grow out of it.

2008-06-02T13:02:00.002-07:00

A few months ago I was walking with my sister, brother-in-law and BF to dinner. It was dark but there was plenty of street light. On paved roads. And still I managed to injure myself by walking at a stroll. I stubbed my toe big time. I mean, when it jammed into the crack in the sidewalk I felt the pain jolt through my entire foot, up my leg and into my spine where it exploded into my skull. It was the kind of reaction that warranted a few expletives (yet I refrained).

4 weeks later the pain subsided enough for me to start running again, but every once in awhile if I turn on my toe the wrong way, I feel a tinge. I may have fractured it without knowing but I didn't think about getting it looked at until 4 weeks later when it was finally back to normal.

This weekend I went on a very casual stroll with 2 girlfriends. We made our way to the beach and conquered a hillside of sandy stairs to get there. It was the kind of thing were I imagined my friend who was pregnant taking a spill and how careful "she" needed to be. Um yeah.

So we all make it down to the end of the stairs without any accidental slips and plant ourselves on the rocks and watch the waves. I make a mental note that my flip flops don't have the most traction in the world so I choose my steps carefully and pause on the flattest rock possible. (and I mean the flattest). 5 full seconds tick by as the 3 of us standing completely still gaze at the water and suddenly I lost my footing. I mean, I was STANDING STILL! The sand on the rock shifted a little, I distributed my weight to try to get a better footing and BANG! I hit the ground. On my ankle. I heard and felt a very dull crack but it didn't hurt- I was more embarrassed at the spectacle I'd created and noticed both my girlfriends looking at me like I was insane for suddenly slipping for no apparent reason.

Two days later and it's still a little swollen and throbbing. I think it may be sprained. So here I am-- waiting another several weeks for an injury to heal in order to start running again.

I have always been a clutz. It's why I am weary of playing any kind of sports that involve flying balls and/or contact. Or choreography. I have a few scars to prove it, and this weird blood-dot "tattoo" on my left hand that resulted after I fell on my wrist while trying break my fall during a sunrise hike in Figi.

But seriously? I thought that I would have gotten the hang of taking a moonlight stroll by now.

Or standing in one place.

How God Speaks

2008-05-15T11:32:00.003-07:00

This won't be a post about how to hear God. It won't be an argument pro or con all those hot topics that we love to wonder out loud about.

It's simply a post because I had to take a moment this morning and stand in complete awe about how God answers so many prayers and makes Himself known. It's about how He speaks into our lives and is faithful.

I got a lot of wonderful news this week. Praise reports, answered prayers, reports of healing, and reports of how God is moving across the globe.

When I think about it individually, I'm tempted to underestimate it all. Because it looks so small. Last night I visited the Wednesday night small group, and we spent the bulk of the time in very high pitched- squeals rejoicing together over the many many amazing things that God is doing in our lives. We were beside ourselves with praise and prayed rejoicingly for one another. We reminded each other not to fear, to trust, and look forward to the changes that are ahead through the words we spoke in prayer to our amazing God.

God of wonders.

My sister forwarded me an email from one of the High schoolers at the church she and I helped plant and attended for 4 years. That High schooler was in 5th grade the last time I saw her and she told Jaime about the many changes that our old church has been experiencing. A part of me was sad I'd missed out on all of that growth, and then I remembered specific prayers we prayed for that church while we were there 3 years ago and God had answered them above and beyond! I was in awe.

This morning I was lamenting over something I knew was not going to be easy to do. And then I suddenly realized that it was actually a very GOOD thing although hard, and that it was even an answer to another prayer I'd had in the back of my head but was intimidated to give more thought to let alone give it to God. But He took it anyways. And took care of it. Even though it wasn't easy, it was the best.

To me, that is How God constantly speaks. It's how I know He cares and is so close and involved. I don't know much about anything else, but I know that, and there is physical evidence in the form of answered prayers to requests that we think are ridiculous and insignificant, or too hard or too big. I wish I could be more specific about the amazing things, but you know what I am talking about because He shows you too. Everyday. In ways that I could never appreciate those "little things" the way you do.

And that is what makes Him such an amazing and intimate and merciful, faithful, wonderful God.

Even when He answers in the most painful of ways, He is wonderful.

I'm so glad He reminded me of that this week.

2008-05-11T22:13:00.002-07:00

My Parents read my blog and sometimes ask me questions about a post. Today it went something like this:

DAD: Chrisser, I read your blog.
CW: Oh yeah? What did you think?
DAD: Pretty amazing.
CW: About the conversation with the kid?
DAD: No, that you were in the KITCHEN, COOKING!
CW: Oh. Yeah. That. I cook sometimes now.
DAD: I can't believe it.

Stereotypes-schmeriotypes.

How to Think

2008-05-07T11:50:00.002-07:00

Last night while making dinner at Brian's place there was a knock on the door - it was his 15 year old neighbor "Germ" (which I think is a terrible nickname for a teen- but the guys have assured me that it is fine, and he's cool with it. I am still uncomfortable with it, but I don't get a vote).

Germ- "sup."
Me- "hi"
Germ- (avoids eye contact and scans the room for someone more familiar and male).

Enter Brian, the one he came to see. At this point I'm not entirely sure he remembers (or cares) that I am in the room, (after all, I am just a strange girl) but they have a good one on one chat about computers, birthdays, and etc. while I chop and simmer.

I could no longer mind my own business when I over heard the strangest thing come out the teen's mouth.

"My birthday is the day that I'm taking your soul"

me- "what did you say?"
Germ-"I'm going to take your soul. It's morbid humor."
me-"I don't think it's funny. What do you mean by that? Do other people think that's funny?"
Germ-"It doesn't matter, I think it is, and they are entitled to their own opinions."
me-"so if people don't think that kind of humor is funny, and you keep using it, aren't you worried about losing friends or offending them?"
Germ- "no. I don't care."

Which springboards about a half hour long conversation between Brian and Germ about what makes one thing right and one thing wrong, evil vs. good, what makes one's opinion is better than another, life and death, and ultimately God and the Devil.

I'm writing about this little scenario because although I was responsible for making a big deal out of a stupid "kid comment", listening to the way Brian asked Germ to "think" before he formed opinions, and training him to be "open" to another side other than his own was fascinating.

Although my radar went up when he said that comment that told me he didn't know Jesus, and I wanted to challenge that ignorance, Brian thankfully stepped in and used it to first address the real issue- Germ's insistence on being right and never testing his or anyone else's "thoughts." Where I got all emotional over the idea of what he meant by the "morbid joke," Brian used it as an open door for a deeper thought process full of logic and teachable thought.

I eventually shut up and continued chopping, and by the time dinner was served, there was Germ, who'd started out spouting "facts" he'd read "places" bouncing from room to room like a caged lion; sitting calmly, curled up on the couch, engaged in a man to man conversation about how to truly think and discover truth with Brian pushing him to be challenged in his perspectives.

I announced that the stuffed peppers were ready and placed them on the table, fully expecting Germ to stay and continue in their conversation while we ate.

Germ-"oooh 3..."
me- "one for me, and 2 for my man."

Germ's eyes got big and marveled at the food and not so subtlety hinted he wanted to stay and partake.

"Now go on and think about this more at home and beat it." Brian said. "It's date night."

After reading all about the differences between man and women lately and the "helper" vs. provider roles and the logical vs. emotional.... I marveled at the way it worked like a well-oiled machine that night. Brian had the chance to show a young man how to think like an adult by using logic, and I had the chance to use my heightened emotions to start a conversation, and then channel my angst into preparing a pretty decent home-cooked meal while observing in the background.

Maybe God knew what He was doing with all those differences after all huh?

Stop grumbling girls. I have the recipe if you want to try it.

More Nunnery talk.... (aka much ado about Modesty)

2008-04-27T16:01:00.003-07:00

Start Here, and follow the links to more musings on the subject with biblical backing.

Get thee to a Nunnery!

2008-04-24T15:58:00.002-07:00

As many of you know, I am neck deep in researching topics for a study focused on Biblical Womanhood. This has lead me to several interesting articles and books, and sermons, and left me with lots of questions while I sort through to try to flesh out important Biblical truths about femininity.

While I am in the research stage, I thought I'd share 2 articles on Modesty with you. Girls, it's important for us to face it once in awhile to make sure we aren't constantly desensitized by what our culture tells us is acceptable. Guys, you too.

First, let me direct you to an article written by an 18 year old male and his perspective. I SO appreciate his candor.

Next, get ready to have your world rocked. I stumbled upon the following survey last year, and completely discouraged, I spent the bulk of a 5 hour road trip discussing some of the surrounding topics and results with Scott (my pastor) and after that- came to the realization that although some of the results seem extreme, they are real & worth weight.

Now before you throw out your entire wardrobe and head for the nearest nunnery . . . I encourage you to take it in, allow your perspective to be shaped (if needed) discuss it with people you trust, and then allow it to be in the back of your minds as you choose your outfits everyday.

I admit, there are days I simply tell my conscience to shush because I want to stand out. But that's why I MUST go back and read this kind of thing over and over.

And then there are the bummer days where I hear directly from the guys in my life that I dress "super modest" and I cringe. Ick. You'd think that that statement would make me feel GREAT... it never does. EVER. Why? Because I am a true result of the conditioning of my culture that constantly paints us into a competition for attentions (good or bad). And I buy it. And "the heart [my heart] is deceitful above all things."

I was here- with 9000 other women (and Beth Moore)

2008-04-23T21:46:00.002-07:00

An Ode to Philippians

2008-04-09T14:58:00.002-07:00

At the end of our Inductive Study of Philippians, one of the exercises asked us to Map, chart, outline or get creative with an overview of the entire Book. Almost every girl chose something different, and it was really cool to see the main subjects and themes we pulled out of the book.

I decided to do what I do best - and wrote a cheesy poem to recount the main points I'd observed. If you don't know this about me already, I used to write cheesy poetry like it was my business. My old school notebooks and Jr. High scrapbooks are filled with them. My sister and brother loved to read them aloud and laugh at the repeated usage of the word "Horray" strategically placed in every poem because it allowed several other words to rhyme such as "play" "day" "away"-- get it?

So, at the insistence of the girls in my Bible Study to please write it down and send it to them, I decided I would blog it instead and allow the rest of you to share in our ode to a life-changing book, and have a laugh on me and my talent for cheese.

Paul sits and wait and writes (in Rome)
A greeting to the people of Philipi (back home)
"Take Joy in all circumstance" He wants them to know
Through suffering and the unexpected, in faith you'll grow.
In knowledge and discernment your love may abound
Living is Christ but in death gain is found.
Be humble, unselfish, blameless and unite
without rivalry or grumbling put off any fight.
Amongst the wicked make your light shine
for the sake of Christ count nothing as "mine."
Count everything earthly as rubbish of sort
Stop looking behind you, in God's mercy Report!
Strive forward ahead towards a goal that's divine
acknowledge the upward call that is mine.
Think on the following for it's excellent and sure
"Whatever is honorable, just, lovely or pure"
You don't need to be anxious in times of want and need
In Christ Jesus' glory and wisdom do heed
I thank you and love you for all you do
so remember His faithfulness and all that is true.
This is the end of my letter dear brothers from me to you
I pray in faith that I'll see you soon. (Lord Willing)
Amen (Horray!)

Hilarious. And dead-on.

2008-04-07T15:00:00.001-07:00

Take a 10 min coffee break and get ready to laugh and learn.

Dating Series: The Finals

2008-03-26T09:04:00.002-07:00

The Dating series has come to a close, and I am scrambling to publish this post before the movers show up and haul my desk away. (I came in early to work this morning to meet the move truck who I think I can hear pulling up)

So while we move boxes and file and unfile for the next day or so, I hope you enjoy the following articles in the Boundless Dating series. (and gain clarity?) Or at least have asked yourself and others some probing questions about opposite sex relationships and communication.

And now those boxes... Tally-ho!

Love and Marriage. (expectations)

Pay It forward

2008-03-20T18:07:00.002-07:00

Have you ever seen that commercial where a girl witnesses a guy do a good deed and then passes it on until it goes full circle? I always thought that was a nice idea, but rarely have witnessed it myself. Until this week!

Monday: While driving down Barrington I hit a busy intersection during rush hour traffic. There was an old lady crossing the street escorted arm in arm by a young man. She was smiling big and he was chatting her up. They came to the corner and he helped her step up onto the curb, said good bye, and he darted back across the street! He'd actually walked an old lady across the street simply to be kind!

Wednesday: While driving down Neilson Parkway I was stopped by a running pedestrian (they have the right of way without signals). I watched him get to the curb and then he immediately bent down to pick up an old food container someone had left behind and he dumped it into the trash. Then, he continued on his run.

Thursday: I was blocked in by a pick-up truck filled to the brim with oranges. The driver was in the back handing a construction worker fistfuls of them, and then he got into his truck and moved out of my way. As I drove down the street I noticed that every single construction worker on the block was now feasting on an orange. Laboring hard for the wealthy they enjoyed a simple but refreshing snack provided by the driver. I'm not sure if it was exactly a free gift, but I'd like to see it as kind anyways.

In writing stories, you learn that key themes are hammered home to your audience in 3's. If you watch any "good" movie you'll see it. Part of that is because the human brain is supposed to really recognize it as important by the third time, and so I'll take this theme not as an isolated incident, nor a coincidence, but a true testimony that people in this world still do stop to do kind things for strangers.

An appropriate one for this Easter Week.

Dating Series Part 4 & 5

2008-03-20T13:10:00.004-07:00

The folks over at Bounless discuss next Moving Towards Clarity in the Dating Series.
And then move to Being Proactive (shiver!!!!) where they offer lots of "suggestions" on what that looks like.

Me? Well, I line up most with the following point in the second article, because it was the only part I was comfortable "doing" amidst all the other "stuff" that comes along with being single and "getting out there." And although the drive and the voice behind my prayers have changed slightly since I have entered into a dating relationship, the meat remains.

.... both men and women need to be proactive in praying for their future spouses. ....this one is difficult [if we] I don't see automatic results so it feels useless. But it's obviously not. The Bible tells us to present our requests to God, and relationships should be no different. Pray for God to prepare you and your spouse for one another. Ask Him to give you wisdom and to bring that right guy/girl along.

Even if being proactive in one situation doesn't result in marrying the guy/girl of your dreams, it doesn't mean it wasn't worth it. If we approach things with the right attitude, God can and does use the relationships in our lives to make us more like Himself. - (Denise Morris)

To me, presenting my requests to the Lord is the only thing that makes everything else worth the effort in the wait.

Dating Series Part 3

2008-03-17T12:05:00.002-07:00

Here's what they are saying about singles of the opposite sex "Hanging Out".

Good points... but they fail to address something extremely important here, and that is the issue that one or both parties sometimes "hang out" with a member of the opposite sex to simply fill a void. There isn't any romantic interest, nor do they expect it to bloom into that-- but they get something out of this kind of friendship that same-sex friendships simply cannot offer.

If He is a Christian and She is a Christian, and He doesn't "like her, like her" and she "isn't interested in him in that way" what's the harm in hanging out? Is there actually a danger there?

Would you want to punch me in the face if I told you that I thought that there was?

Truths and Lies to ruffle a few feathers...

2008-03-11T12:24:00.002-07:00

Along with tracking the "Dating" series in Boundless, I am turning my interests towards a topic I have long been passionate about. This topic is something that I am planning to research over the next few months and find out the real truth (and lies) along the way in hopes to bring what I've learned to the table in a series discussion about Biblical Womanhood.

To whet your appetite on the subject, and to have a place to store ideas and articles, you'll see things I am reading about and thinking about start to be posted here. Always open to comments and discussions- mostly because they aren't from my own voice, opinions and conclusions-- yet.

Remember to always apply anything you read and hear back to the Scriptures, and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to the truth of what people are telling you.

That said.... happy reading!

SHE said:

As I traveled the country to do research for “Lies Young Women Believe,” I found countless young women who admitted that they didn’t feel free to pursue becoming wives and mothers as their primary purpose. The said things like “ For me the whole family idea is kind of overrated,” and “ It is not about families and having kids anymore. Women are expected to have careers, too.” One young lady spelled it out in black and white. “It has become uncool to want a husband and a family,” she announced.
Many of you have fallen prey to the lies of the world in the area of God’s design for you as a woman. You feel driven to find your worth through your future career and to deny God’ purpose for you within the home.
The truth is that God created women to be a helper to man and a mother of children. Genesis 2:18 announces “ Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone, I will make a helper fit for him.” In LYWB, Dannah and Nancy assert that for most of us, God has called us to serve by being a helper to a husband.

HE said:

"A man who really gets Ephesians 5 is the kind of man who will be willing to work two jobs and live in a trailer to enable his wife to be the primary caregiver of his children."

This line from a recent post and JBMW contribution by Dr. Russell Moore affected me profoundly. I would imagine that this comment would sound strange to many ears. Why on earth would anyone live in a trailer park if they don't (absolutely) have to? In a materialistic society (and a materialistic church, maybe?), there is perhaps no sharper ideological razor to be applied in making familial decisions than that of economic concerns.

BOUNDLESS: DATING SERIES

2008-03-10T14:53:00.003-07:00

My fav. online Christian Magazine has started a series on Dating. I'll be following it closely because I appreciate their perspective and am secretly researching the issue for two reasons:
1) my own personal FYI and application
2) to sharpen my perspective Biblically as a woman leader in the church.

Here's what they are saying so far:
(for the entire article, click on the title of this post)

I recently began to pray for God to bring me the man He wants me to love unconditionally -- whatever that may look like. It's a scary prayer. I don't like it. But I realized that so much of my prayers for a husband had to do with someone who would love me, who would make me happy, who would fulfill me. Yes, I hope God brings me someone who will do all those things, but my attitude should be more about how I can serve and love someone, not what they can do for me.
-Denise Morris

Chew on this

2008-03-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

HT: John Piper

"I got backup"

2008-03-06T11:02:00.004-08:00

I decided to put a slight spin on my morning routine today and walked the three blocks to Starbucks for a morning "Drip" instead of splurging on my Peet's Sugar-Free Vanilla Latte (with a touch of Honey added). I usually resort to Starbucks when I want to take a longer stroll before starting work or when I decide to save a few bucks here and there.

For some reason, going to this particular Starbucks always offers something that Peet's can not. Strange encounters with the Humans who water there. Either, the people at Peet's are too stuck up and snobby to ever chit-chat, or just well, not as strange, I have never met the kind of people at Peets while I doctored my drinks that I do at Starbucks, and today was no different:

There was a very tall man in front of me who had the look of indecision on his face as he watched me fall into line behind him. My arms were crossed, and I still had my sunglasses on. I always cross my arms. My Dad has always told me how terrible a habit it is, and I hate it when people wear their "eyeware" inside, so I took off my "sunnies" and uncrossed my arms. The tall man looked back at me again and I quickly looked at the menu board.

I figured he probably worked in construction because his clothing was tattered and dark from some sort of "film". There was a bandage around his elbow. And his pinky. There were scrapes all over his upper arms and his knuckles were bloody. I saw that he'd had stitches under his left eye. The barista asked him what his order was and I noticed he was pretending not to notice the tall man's bandages. The tall man pretended not to notice the barista (and me) pretending not to notice back.

I ordered my drip next and the tall man moved to the coffee bar to add sugar and cream. There was another girl in the way so I waited for her to leave. Secretly, I hoped the tall, tattered man would leave first but she did instead, so I stepped up, and added sugar in the raw. He reached across for the half & half and grunted "excuse me". He emptied it into his cup and turned it into the barista for a refill. I continued to stir. I couldn't get it right. It needed more cream.

"Half & Half is up!" The barista belted out. I was closest so I grabbed it and brought it back.
"Did you need this?" I offered the tall man.
"No thanks." His face softened at my offer and now that I looked him in the eye I noticed he'd had cuts on his cheeks, a scab on the bridge of his nose, and two black eyes.

"Don't ever let anybody bother you." He said.
"Oh, I won't. Don't worry." I laughed it off.
"Cuz if they do, I'll break they hand.... For free." He had a Brooklyn accent.
"I am pretty strong." I said.
"I'm sure ya got backup but if they ever bother you, I'll back ya up!"
"uh... thanks?" (I am madly stirring cream into my coffee as fast as I possibly can at this point).
"Okay well, I gotta go now." He said.
I didn't look up. "Take care." I realized that the guy was probably not in construction after all, and my warped imagination pictured him in the middle of a dark NY alley - fist fighting over a drug deal that went bad... or maybe he owed someone money...

Maybe I should have been repulsed or scared out of my mind at that point, but instead I felt rather sorry for him and tender-hearted. Me giving him the time of day made him want to protect me from the cruel world. It kind of broke my heart.

And then I started feeling thankful for all my own bumps and bruises.

Because mine aren't the kind that make baristas and others cringe at the state I am in.
And I have always had plenty of back up.

Kenny Rogers' Twirl and Sing-A-Long

2008-03-04T14:38:00.004-08:00

The Players:
(in Order of Appearance)
BOY: Brian
GIRL: Chrissie
KENNY ROGERS: A street performer wearing a veteran's hat, with white hair, beard, strums gee-tar, never breaks character.
TWIRLER: Man with a Vanilla-Ice/Eminem look with Interpretive dance skills (probably classically trained defined by those hand movements)
3 SWEDISH TEENS: Super Skinny Girl #1, Extra Skinny Guy #1, Emaciated Guy #2
CAMEOS: 2 Hasidic Jews, 3 Ghansta Asians, 1 black man

INT: EVENING. IT'S A GRIND COFFEE HOUSE
The Boy checks his iphone, and The Girl conducts a word search for the Greek meaning of "Perfect". There is an odd couple outside the window composes a song with a guitar and a flute. They speak of F flats and B sharps. The Boy finishes his iphone task and grabs the book that The Girl has in her hand to thumb through it.

GIRL: What?
BOY: Just checking to see how many pages you have left in the chapter.
GIRL: I can be done now.
BOY: Wanna take a walk?

EXT: EVENING. THE SANTA MONICA PROMENADE.
GIRL: What are you laughing at?
BOY: Well, I mean, in that candy store you managed to ask EVERY SINGLE QUESTION LISTED!
GIRL: Well.... I'm sorry but hello, I wasn't paying attention to any "cards" when there are dead candied insects right there distracting me! I mean, would you ever eat a chocolate covered cricket?
BOY: Depends. How much would I get paid?
GIRL: (reaching for the bag of candy) Pass me an espresso malt ball.

A Willie Nelson style rendition of the Patsy Cline song "CRAZY" catches their attention.

KENNY ROGERS:(crooning) Crazy... I'm crazy for feeling so lonely....
BOY: What have we got here...
KENNY ROGERS: I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
BOY: I like this guy. (he pops a malt ball into his mouth and soaks in the local color)

An ASIAN man 4'11" crosses The Boy's path and stares longingly at his mug as he passes by. The Girl mad-dogs the small Asian man while clinging closely to the Boy's side, but the Asian is un-deterred and looks right past her with gaze set upon the Boy until he is out of their line of sight.

(Boy continues munching on candy without concern for the strange passer-by.)

KENNY: I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
GIRL: That was so weird. Why was that Asian guy obsessed with you? What the heck--
BOY: Shrugs. Offers Girl another piece of candy.
KENNY: And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new

ENTER BEHIND Kenny, A TWIRLING MAN swoops around, down and to the front of Kenny, crosses stage Right, and pirouettes before landing a dip on a nearby light pole.

KENNY: Worry, why do I let myself worry?

The Twirler, takes his hand and covers his face, then his heart, and saunters over to his bike filled with stuffed animals where he takes a bear's head in his hand and sighs...

ENTER STAGE LEFT, the 3 SWEDISH TEENS pause at the sight of the twirler.

BOY: Look at his audience.
GIRL: LOOK AT THE DANCER!
BOY: The guy seems to know what he's doing... I mean he's actually kind of good.
The twirler sways into a triple lux.
GIRL: Maybe Classically trained?
Boy pops another malt ball into his mouth.
KENNY: Wond'ring what in the world did I do?

ENTER STAGE LEFT 2 HASIDIC JEWS cross STAGE RIGHT.
One is in a wheelchair (he's missing a leg) the other pushes gleefully his partner through the performance. The TWIRLER pirouettes a triple and bows a bit to the Jewish Men. They smile amused. The twirler, and Kenny is not.

KENNY: Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you

The Sweeds lose interest and pass up the fiasco in search of something to eat.
GIRL steals a peanut cluster, observing 3 GHANSTA ASIANS approaching from Stage Left.
BOY munches contently admiring the riffs and the pitch that Kenny displays.

BOY: I mean, the guy is GOOD.
GIRL: The dancer is too.
KENNY: I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

THE GHANSTA'S catch sight of the Twirler and snicker while a strange man diverts their attentions (approaches them from behind the Boy and Girl).

BOY: Did you hear that?
GIRL: No. I have been watching the twirling guy make out with his stuffed animals. LOOK at him!

The TWIRLER dips and plants a juicy wet on onto his GUND Polar Bear.

BOY: That guy came up to the Asians and asked them if they wanted weed...

CUT TO:
ASIANS: Na' Man.
PUSHER: You guys Chinese?
ASIANS: Na.
PUSHER: Do you know who Bruce Lee is?
ASIANS: Yeah man.
PUSHER: I like Bruce Lee. He was cool.

GIRL: Oh Shoot! I dropped my espresso ball.
BOY: Here.
GIRL: Seriously, Kenny Rogers is not even remotely phased by any of this, is he?
BOY: Nope. (and he pops in a yogurt covered pretzel)
GIRL: Here come the starving Sweeds back for more huh?

KENNY: And I'm crazy for loving you.
The Twirler does a 2-step with his luggage, and a spirit fingers finale.

Audience claps.
Kenny Rogers eyes drift towards the boy and the girl.

GIRL: Um... I think Kenny wants us to give him a buck.
BOY: I'm on it.
GIRL: Hey, ask him to play "The Gambler" next!

Lights out.

The newest set of FWD Q & A's for your reading pleasure...

2008-02-26T14:57:00.003-08:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8ish
2. Diamonds or Pearls? Oh, I love that Prince Song!
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Film at the cinema.... oh so proper!
4. What is your favorite TV show? Pushing Daisies and The Hills
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? A Latte (and sometimes yogurt).
6. What is your middle name? Marie (who's isn't?)
7. What food do you like the least? Onions
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Cease To Begin - Band of Horses and Neon Bible- Arcade Fire
9. What kind of car do you drive? The Echo
10. Favorite Sandwich? Grilled Cheese with tomatoes.
11. What characteristic do you despise? bathroom humor
12. Favorite item of clothing? Ugg Boots
13. If you could go anywhere in the world for vacation, where would you go? Tuscany, Ireland, Australia, Greece... sorry, the list is still pretty long...
14. What color is your bathroom? White on White
15. What is your favorite brand of clothing? I agree with my sister on this -- velvet
16. Where would you retire? In a mobile home! I'm serious.
17. What was your most recent memorable birthday? This past one. A total surprise, and totally special.
18. Favorite sport to watch? Football movies?
19. Furthest place you are sending this? New Zealand
21. Who do you expect to send it back first? no one
22. Favorite saying? "sike!"
23. When is your birthday? Jan 11.
24. Are you a morning person or night person? It varies. Probably night owl if I am working.
25. What is your shoe size? 8
26. Do you have any pets? no. but I still consider my Mom's dog mine...
27. Any new and exciting news you would like to share with us? I was a big girl and bound business insurance this week for Mise En Seen Videography!
28. What did you want to be when you were little? a nurse. My Dad made sure to squash that dream rather quickly by insisting I give our ailing bird a shot and said "if you wanna cut it as a nurse you better learn now!" I was maybe 6. I'm sure it was funny to him but I am not over it. And I am so not interested in nursing.
29. How are you today? Much better.
30. What is your favorite candy? Twix, Fudge and Sour Patch Kids
31. What is your favorite flower? Peonies.
32. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? March 2! :)
33. What is your full name? Christina Marie Wanke
34. What are you listening to right now? Traffic outside
36. Do you wish on stars? Only satellites
37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? One that never gets used up or I'd die fast!

38. How is the weather right now? Just turned cold after a warm sunny day!
39. What is your favorite soft drink? Hansen's grapefruit or a regular coke with Lemon
40. What is your favorite restaurant? Spumoni? I guess....
41. Natural hair color? Dark Brown
42. Siblings? Younger sister, Jaime, younger bro, Brian, bro in law- Tyson
43. Favorite day of the year? 4th of July
44. What was your favorite toy as a child? My doll "Mandy" My parents still have her - Dad, don't throw her away!!!
45. Summer or Winter? Summer
46. Hugs or Kisses? Kisses from Harper! He slobbers and says "mmmmwha!"
47. Coffee or tea? Coffee
48. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
49. Do you want your friends to email this back? most of them have already so that's why I posted it.
50. When was the last time you cried? Sunday
51. What is under your bed? I read that as "who" is under your bed! SCARY!!!!!
52. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Not sure. Alison or one of the Hope crew girls...
53. What did you do last night? Had a bun-less burger at THE COUNTER and then decaf at Literati.
54. What is your favorite smell? Coffee
55. What are you afraid of losing? My mind.
56. Salty or sweet? sweet
57. How many keys are on your key ring? lots
58. How many years at your current job? 4
59. Favorite day of the week? Friday
60. How many friends will respond? n/a

Recognizing God's Holiness in an Eclipse?

2008-02-25T13:52:00.003-08:00

I know you think it's weird that I am constantly telling crazy stories about life's lessons through strange and wonderful happenings in my backyard. Last summer, it involved a crow. This week, it was in the stars.

Last Wednesday (2-20-08), if you took some time to observe the moon between 5pm and 8pm, you would have witnessed a full lunar eclipse where, the alignment of the Sun, Earth and Moon made it so the moon was engulfed in a full shadow cast upon the earth. Because I function from a creative side of my brain most of the time, you can go read up on the scientific facts of it here.

As I witnessed this rare phenomenon I was simply awed by the process. From where we were perched on the hill the moon looked relatively small, and the earth felt so big. And then I realized that it was the SUN that was behind us that was doing all the work. And how incredibly huge the sun actually has to be in order to bend it's rays around us (earth) and reflect off the moon-- a planet so far away from us in the universe.

The next day I had the opportunity to reflect on this phenomenon as I came face to face with the reality of what sin does in our lives. Although that shadow was powerful enough to block the light of the moon, it didn't mean that the light was gone, or replaced. In fact, with all eclipses, the earth continues to turn, and the planets revolve and in time the shadows pass away.

By 9pm on Wednesday night, we looked up into the clear sky where the moon was full and bright again. Unblemished. The way it started. The same thing happens with a solar eclipse, except it's the kind of phenomenon we can't witness without protective eye ware because of the incredible power of the sun's rays (and how appropriately so if you see where I am going with this).

So without being too cheesy in my application here, I was reminded again of God's Holiness. His sovereignty. His goodness. His light. A light so incredibly huge and powerful, that even the earth's shadow could not make it's reflection disappear completely. A light so big, that even when another planet is in the path of it directly, it's rays shine so brightly around it that we could go blind if we looked directly upon it.

As Christians, we are called to represent that light. To bear it. Last week, my small group discussed just that as we continue in our study of Philippians. But the shadows will always come as long as there is sin in the world. As much as that shadow may try to consume or hide that light in us, I was reminded this week that Christ Himself bore the weight of those sins SO THAT His light would never be completely extinguished in His children. Even when the shadow of sin seems to have swallowed us whole, His Light is too powerful, too wonderful to ever be conquered.

How merciful, gracious and loving our Father, our Light, our Holy God Almighty is to us! We are mere shadows in the presence of His Holiness, but His light will always prevail. And shine THROUGH us so that we too, can be a reflection of His Holiness.

It's time to recognize the weight of that calling. It's also time to accept His forgiveness, and bask in the unblemished restoration that His light in us every single new day.

It won't be easy. But it's necessary. Because He is Holy.

Psalm 51
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Oh Puuleeese NZ!

2008-02-18T13:35:00.000-08:00

Seriously?

Eating Humble Pie

2008-02-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)

3Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

It's been rough. Honestly. I think I vaguely remember a few months back or maybe even less than that- a prayer I had after discovering God's faithfulness that included something like "show me what you want of me" or "let me be a servant" etc. etc. And then fast-forward to last week where my perspectives all came tumbling down. I looked around and had suddenly lost interest in my career. Had lost hope in my own business' "success" and had lost vision for who I was supposed to grow up to be. Then I looked closer and realized I didn't really care, but the not caring concerned me so I was incredibly mournful.

Then I looked around and realized that I am accountable to people for my decisions, attitude, perspectives, and decisions. New people. Special people. Lovely people. I realized that with that knowledge of accountability, I started to grow uncomfortable in my own skin, and doubts in my worthiness of any body's time or respect surfaced from a place It thought I killed and buried way back in my teens.

And then I looked closer at Christ's example of Humility, and realized how far I am from all that He is. Count others as better than yourself? In theory, no problem. I can easily think you are smarter and more wonderful than I am. In reality, I am too busy being all concerned with my SELF that I can't even put any kind of importance on anyone else. Then I realize this kind of self-loathing is also stinkin' selfish. Man!

That humble pie isn't going down so sweetly anymore.

The above verse just "so happens" to be our memory verse for this week in our small group. Is it ironic that it is seriously giving me the MOST trouble so far? When I told-ahem "asked" God to show me what He wanted, did I remotely expect to be shown how incredibly SELFISH I became in all that confidence of who I thought I was?

Scott & Brian asked for us to pray for their humility as our leaders. Um... Okay, but now I suddenly want to hoard all the pie to myself because I can't imagine wanting to share in this kind of humility with anyone. It's got no cherry, no sweet, and no flaky crust.

LADIES & GENTS!! Your attention please...

2008-02-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

I am SO ecstatic about the following site I came across today. Especially because it's a subject I have been extremely passionate about for a very long time. Bookmark it for you care to, or just await my musings on the various articles that I am sure will prompt me to write about in the near future.

Post-It Thoughts from Addy's birth

2008-01-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

When my friend Lara asked me to consider photographing her newborn "right as she comes out" I got a little queasy. I have never been good around blood, hospitals, accidents, cuts, needles, scabs, scars....

I've "seen" birth on video before- first in 7th grade Health class, and then recently while watching the National Geographic Series , but to be honest, the thought of it happening "live" and in person was a little um... gross.

Then I saw JUNO a few days later and by the end of it I'd made a decision to suck it up. I emailed Lara the next day and explained how a silly movie had changed my mind, went to buy new batteries for my camera, packed my purse with a book and my ipod, and developed an annoying habit of waking up every night at 3am to check my phone (just in case I'd slept through the call- yeah right like that would ever happen...)

Last night the call finally came. During the one solid hour where I'd put down my phone and forgotten about checking it. When I got a sinking feeling at dinner that I should check the phone- I discovered I'd missed several calls- THE calls, and a text that said "Going to hospital" from Scott, Lara's husband.

When I walked into the room, Lara was smiling, and Scott was calm. It hit me that very soon, there would be a brand new baby in this room- someone we'd all been anxious to meet for 9 months, and nothing was scary anymore.

At 11:51pm, baby Addison was here, and I'd actually witnessed the entire thing. The "gross" thing my stomach had turned over wasn't gross at all... in fact, it was crazy-cool, and I'll confess, a little hard to understand how it all "worked out".

On my drive home the tears started to flow. I'd been in total shock until I hit the 10west and then the emotions just flooded me- emotions I almost felt funny for having since I'd only been there really as a bystander with a camera . . . and somehow got lucky enough to experience such an intimate thing with this family. Yowza.

My favorite parts (all G-Rated) were as follows:

-The sound of Lara and Scott "awwwing" in unison when the baby first came out. I can't describe how incredible that sound was, but I'll never forget it. No picture I took will have captured that.
-Watching Addison's color turn bright pink instantly when she'd finally gotten a good breath in.
-Her baby cleft chin
-The way she blinked her eyes because of the bright, bright world she was adjusting to.
-Realizing how amazing the body works, and how un-gross it really is after all.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

2008-01-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

After this movie won the Globe for Best Foreign film, I knew I wanted to see it in the theatre before it was gone. I also knew that going in, it wasn't going to be the lightest movie out there.

If you are curious in the least, then stop reading and go see it. The cinematography, poetic narrative, and visual elements of this film is well worth the $.

Now for a "spoiler":

The film does an incredible job of showing viewers exactly what someone who is completely paralyzed - goes through. Their perspective, mental state, the way others interact with them, the idea that even their pride can't keep them from being completely reliant on strangers for every single thing... that was what made the film so uncomfortable. And good.

I walked away thinking that it would be the kind of film that would sit with me, and perhaps change my perspective on- something... but it didn't really. I still don't EVER want to experience nor have a loved one experience what he did- even with a best-seller, and a film made about his life. In fact, it instead allowed me to hold fast to several perspectives I already have- the one where God is the center of everything, and the one where I can't ever take my loved ones for granted.

To me, this film was so absent of God in this man's life, that it became all about who God is in mine. I have no idea how he survived any of his days without finding faith, and that is where I pitied him the most. He had so many people who adored him. So many women. But the one woman he chose was the one who didn't give him a single second of her time after his accident. That to me, was the most tragic. What an obvious lesson this man had to learn. And he somehow missed it... after all of that.

I pray to God I never miss it the way he did.

How Sweet the Sound

2008-01-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

Jaime will appreciate this post because she thinks I am obsessed with this movie.

I am.

But it isn't because of Ioan Gruffud (the lead character whom I had a crazy crush on after meeting him in person when I was a casting intern in college). I've grown up some since then, and learned to appreciate dear Ioan now for his choice in portraying the character of William Wiberforce "The idealist who maneuvers his way through Parliament in 19th century England, endeavoring to end the British transatlantic slave trade." His mentor in the film was John Newton, the author of the famous Hymn "Amazing Grace."

But .... Just to indulge my obsession a bit, Here are some of my favorite lines.

Obviously, I highly recommend this movie. For so much more than Ioan's performance.

Although my memory's fading, I remember two things very clearly. I'm a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior. - John Newton
______________________
It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out. You don't constantly swallow it back. - Barbara Wilberforce
No one of our age has ever taken power. -William Wilberforce
Which is why we're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway. - Pitt (Future Prime Minister)
I thought time might have changed you. - William Wilberforce
It has. I'm older. - John Newton
Why is it you only feel the thorns when you stop running? - Pitt
Is that some sort of heavy metaphorical advice? - Wilberforce
You found God, sir? - Wilber's Butler
I think He found me. - Wilberforce

I'm Coming Back to The Heart of Worship

2008-01-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

It's all about you- Jesus.

Last night I finally voiced something that has been plaguing me for a few weeks. When asked "How are you doing?" I surprised myself by spilling my guts about how I'd been struggling with a feeling a strange "distance" between me and the Lord lately. It was an ugly truth to throw out there. And it broke my heart because I didn't know how to get that intimacy back.

When things were hard for SO long, I was so close to God. So close. I mean, I craved the Bible, I spent hours in prayer, and looked forward to the days I felt called to fast for something I'd been praying about.

Then, things went swimmingly. So swimmingly, in fact, that I was in tears sometimes over the GOODNESS and the blessings suddenly raining down. My prayers of plead overnight turned to praise, relief, and awe. Suddenly, I wasn't worshiping with a severe desperation for God's comfort, I was basking in God's Glory and promises already being fulfilled.

And things continued to be good.

And then my prayers grew silent.

I am fully aware that the distance I felt (feel) is because I stopped talking to the Lord the way I did so regularly when there were specifics to drive me on my knees. To top it off, the more I felt the distance and tried to pray anyways, the more I felt terrible about the distance, and the less I wanted to pray because I knew I probably should. It didn't feel genuine to sit before the Lord without anything to say, and because I "supposed" to. It was a conundrum.

After my confession, I was told to "go home". At first I thought that it somehow meant that I'd become disgusting company to keep and then the words "go pray" followed. Reminding me that there was something I needed to do.... really needed to do.

There is still a part of me that is mournful over the fact that I had to be told to do something I should have craved to do. Wanted to do. But then again, when you are thinking all about yourself, it's hard to think much of anything else. I had an incredible time of prayer that night. On my floor, on my knees- literally. Because any other posture prompted me to daydream, procrastinate, and multi-task.

When it was finished, there was peace. The distance was closing. And when morning came all I could think about was worship.

I am still a bit mournful I'd missed out on so many days of being close to God between the "good" and the ordinary. But then I remembered something today about His character and His Word. And He will always call us back to him.

Even if your greatest friends need to kick you out of their house to do it.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

Redeeming "Love" .......

2008-01-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

Most of you know about my beef with Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love. I concur that it's a good book, but I threw it across the room several times in fits of frustration with the love story between the main characters. This made me think that maybe I was anti any "romance-with-a-Christian-twist" books...

Check out this post from Boundless. They posted a blurb highlighting a novel probably found in the same section as Francine's latest. Something about its prose struck me as beautiful. Enjoy a section from Mike Mason's Mystery of Marriage.

Maybe Christian romance has had a chance to redeem itself to me after all....

Under my Um-ber-ella-ella-ella- hey hey hey

2008-01-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

My stomach starts "feeling funny" half way through my salad. I think a restroom break will put the kibosh on any shenanigans in my abdomen and return to my desk without an appetite.

Chucking the partially eaten vitamin-feast I opt for a yogurt instead and crack open a Hansen's soda to try to help "settle it". One spoonful of yogurt and the gag reflex it promotes means it too meets it's fate in the white plastic bin under my desk. The soda meanwhile, remains on probation. Huh.... last night I took a chance and offered a "hug" to a friend who had the flu... I dare not blame the churning of my intestines on a selfless teeny piece of affection!!

The clock ticks by. My boss asks me to stay an extra hour. He needs to catch a plane tomorrow and we need to catch up on the paperwork. So I oblige with a smile and convince my gut "to power through." They instead demand another trip to the ladies. I oblige. There isn't an argument to be had.

Teetering on the edge of sickness and normalcy, I take another small sip on my no calorie soda and snack on some dark chocolate. Mmm. Smooth. Sweet. That always goes down so easy, and this time was no different. Okay then! Maybe it's mostly in my mind? Or maybe I have been sitting on an emotional issue for days and it's instead manifested itself physically? I kind of hope that is the case because at least then I could fix it with a simple conversation or journal-fest.... somehow, I doubt it.

A text beeps in. It's my friend who's father passed away. The memorial is in a week. I clear my calendar. My boss hands me a stack of papers and I stop caring much about the twisted state of my stomach. Or about the importance of the pending paperwork for that matter, but I push it nonetheless.

Time creeps by. 45 minutes more... there is a birthday party I need to try to feel better for tonight. The afternoon drones on and the sky turns black. We're bracing for NorCal's storm to come through. I can feel the weight of the wet in the air.

A call rings through at work. It's another friend, but I can't talk because I am in ear shot of my boss. "It's important." Okay. Oh crap. More bad news. But I still can't talk. I hang up with a promise to call her with undivided attention as soon as this extra hour is up.

T minus 40 minutes to go.

My tummy grumbles. I really can't tell if it's because I didn't finish lunch or it's butterflies, or its just having a bad day with something I ate. Maybe all three. I finish the paperwork and check the news. Obama took Iowa and Britney took another ride to the hospital. Is it tragic that I care more about poor Brit than the pending electoral vote? I bet. I make a mental note to maybe make a resolution after all.

My bowels are feeling better, but the pit sits anxiously there. It's still such a young year and it seems to be drenching down all at once. What was that saying again? Something about the rain pouring?

My boss closes his window and announces "It's really coming down now kid!"

Yes sir, it surely is.

I'm glad I didn't forget my umbrella today.

Wow...

2007-12-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

Nahrin forwarded this to me today. If you remember my post from a week or so ago, you'll see why, and I HIGHLY recommend the read.

Sometimes I am completely FLOORED by the way God answers my prayers, and yet He continues to do so because He is so faithful.

I'm SO relieved my gift to Him this Season was something he actually ordered! :) Woo HOO!

Intimacy Through Prayer...

2007-12-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

This Sunday, Brian preached about how Prayer affords us an intimacy with God. He talked about the time we set aside (or don't) with Christ and how in the big picture of life, it's rather teeny, yet, God longs for that time with us. (Very abridged version).

So last night as I crawled into bed and set aside that "time", I re-visited Colossians 3 and then opened to one of my favorite devotionals "My Utmost for His Highest" for that date. (Dec. 16th).

Lo and behold, it was a passage on prayer.

Sometimes in that "time" I spend with the Father, I often forget the true purpose. It's so easy to become distracted even when every other "distraction" has been eliminated, and that often comes in the form of a distracted prayer life for me. Last night, after reading Colossians, and then being reminded so kindly by Oswald Chambers about "the purpose of prayer" I found so many reasons to be thankful. It was for me, the chance to sit before the Lord quietly, in praise for what He's done for so many, and to recall all the times I sat in that same spot spending time with the Lord in desperate need and longing and He was (is) so faithful to those rather menial requests!

I hope the following passage (and the message on Sunday found here) inspires a fruitful wrestling match as you season in true intimacy with God your Father.

December 16, 2007

Wrestling Before God

Take up the whole armor of God . . . praying always . . . —Ephesians 6:13,18

You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God, and wrestle in prayer for other people; but to wrestle with God in prayer is unscriptural. If you ever do wrestle with God, you will be crippled for the rest of your life. If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn’t meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 ). Don’t become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." ( Romans 8:37 ). Wrestling before God makes an impact in His kingdom. If you ask me to pray for you, and I am not complete in Christ, my prayer accomplishes nothing. But if I am complete in Christ, my prayer brings victory all the time. Prayer is effective only when there is completeness— "take up the whole armor of God . . . ."

Always make a distinction between God’s perfect will and His permissive will, which He uses to accomplish His divine purpose for our lives. God’s perfect will is unchangeable. It is with His permissive will, or the various things that He allows into our lives, that we must wrestle before Him. It is our reaction to these things allowed by His permissive will that enables us to come to the point of seeing His perfect will for us. "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . ." ( Romans 8:28 )— to those who remain true to God’s perfect will— His calling in Christ Jesus. God’s permissive will is the testing He uses to reveal His true sons and daughters. We should not be spineless and automatically say, "Yes, it is the Lord’s will." We don’t have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength.

Get over the angst for goodness sake!

2007-12-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

My mom sent me the following forward and I admit, I was totally laughing by the end of it.

Mostly because for me it poked fun at the real stuff that can make Holidays around here so neurotic and insane!

Go ahead and find the humor. I won't tell anyone that it's because it makes you think of someone specific -- or maybe even your "other" self...

Then don't forget to offer up a toast this Holiday - to family!

CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....

11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- You better not cry - Oh yes I will
You better not Shout - I can if i want to
You better not pout - Make me
I'm telling you why - Not listening
Santa Claus is coming to town - He's not real!!

Recognizing His Holiness

2007-12-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago at morning prayer, my friend Nahrin prayed something aloud that has sat with me ever since. She prayed "God, I'm learning about your Holiness, and it is so traumatizing..."

A week before that I'd asked God what He wanted me to give HIM for Christmas. I really and truly thought that I'd then come up with some grandiose plan to send a million bibles to some far off place, go feed the Homeless at the URM, or make a monetary donation to some cause with the kind of money I don't really have.

I am positive now that although all of those things do and can bring Glory to the Father, it isn't what He's asked of me. I truly believe that this Christmas, God wants me to recognize His Holiness.

What a strange and out of the box (forgive the pun) thing to "give"... but God always has a way of being unconventional with me, and that is always how I know it's Him & not me-- because I totally wouldn't have thought of that on my own.

Along with our current sermon series on encouraging Intimacy with God at Shoreline, and Brian's personal musings on what intimacy looks like in his own life and relationships... I've been reminded of the depth and extreme of God's Holiness. The "traumatic" parts of it (where I or anyone can not even fathom coming a percentage close to the kind of purity and Goodness that God is) and the faithful parts (where because of His Holiness, we could never come into His presence without a sacrifice- someone to bear our sins in our place - and that is Jesus Christ!).

I wasn't sure what Nahrin meant while she sat there in recognition of God's Holiness, but now, I believe I am starting to get it- minutely. (I have a LOOONG way to go, and a lot more to learn).

I have always loved the following Psalms because they are vintage worship songs from when I was growing up and offered a nostalgia for my "church-going-family-days", but lately I've been listening to these songs again and instead of getting nostalgic for my earthly family, I found myself drinking in the depth of the verses becoming incredibly awed by the Holiness of my Father God.

Through prayers and cries like the ones written in the Word, the Lord-- Holy and Mighty and so incredibly God... hears, and answers, and loves us! And HE is still HOLY!

Psalm 5 (New King James)

1Give ear to my words, O LORD,
consider my meditation.
2Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God:
for unto thee will I pray.
3My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD;
in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.

Psalm 42:1-5
Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?
1 As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"

4These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.
5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation

6and my God.

Merry Christmas!

What Gives?

2007-11-28T11:36:00.000-08:00

As we head full-speed into the Holiday festivities, I noticed a slight "hum-bug" creeping up into my attitude. Honestly, in theory, I love the Holiday Season. It means Egg Nog and Christmas lights, gifts and funny family conversations. But there it was, a dismal attitude forming like a dark cloud over me as my music stations became bombarded with "Christmas Cheer and Wishes."

So I stopped briefly before going to sleep last night and asked myself what my problem was. Honestly? It was this... "What happened to the baby J?"

Christmas was invented because of our Savior's Birth. And here I am fretting over social events and budgets for gift-giving. I think it seriously has started to get to me that we don't see Jesus much in the "Happy Holiday" seasons anymore. In fact, it completely bugs.

This time last year, I listened to a woman speaking on the radio about how she asks God every year in her prayers what HE wants for Christmas. She said, "I always get a very clear answer." She said she never shares with anyone what that is, so I'm not sure what kinds of things God puts on his "Wish List" for Santa (what do you get for someone who CREATED everything, right?) but I've started really thinking about what that woman said, and when I imagine trying to ask God what HE wants under that Tree Christmas morn', there is a slight nervous hesitation on my part that- uhh...uh.... He may ask of me something I can not deliver. So now here I am, purposely omitting His desires (him) out of this Holiday. Huh.

To me, Christ is everything. So how is it that all these years it hasn't even dawned on me to ask Him what He wants from me on His very own day?

The rest of the world may have forgotten about the Baby J... but this year, I pray that HE is in the forefront of my mind through every social, tradition, conversation, gift, and reason.

I hope he tells me what He wants this year. More so though, I hope I have the courage to give it.

Sesame Street Ruined my life! And his, and hers, and ....yours??

2007-11-20T10:41:00.000-08:00

This TIMES article came just in time.

Because two Sundays ago my very own PASTOR reminded us from the pulpit about the vintage Sesame Street Grover "NEAR!......far!......NEAR!.....far!" As he darted around the stage, and set forth a renewed nostalgia for that childhood Street where Snuffy lived.

That got me thinking back to when I watched "vintage" Sesame Street and it made me become a vegetarian when they made it a point to tell me that "Chicken" comes from well..."Chickens!"
My animal-loving 3 year old self couldn't do that to our feathered friends, and I have had an aversion to chicken on the bone ever since.

Poor beasts.

Seems now, the entire world's eyes have been opened to what my 3 year old ones saw so very long ago....

But you know, maybe that means that today's babies are doomed, cause they'll never know the truth about Chicken, and will never ever learn about "NEAR vs. far..."

I say, let them know the truth!!!! And let BIG BIRD give it to them!!!!!!!!!!

The World of Blue

2007-11-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

They are distressed, baked, sculpted, designed, adorned, embellished, ripped, washed and worn. TIME recently published a photo essay about the one garment that we can't live without. Have you ever stopped to imagine where your favorite pair of Jeans came from? Find out here.

Put a Cork In it!

2007-10-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

It was a hot, quiet night in for Chrissie and Amira at Nick's apartment (Amira's bf who was away on a business trip) - where they'd trespassed to gain use of Nick's stove and DVR in order to watch the D minus film "Georgia Rule" with terrible plot lines, poor exposition, and hideous characters (not to mention the ridiculous wardrobe and false eyelashes sported by Lindsay Lohan). Still, the girls shamelessly wasted poor Nick's $3.00 pay per view selection while cooking dinner for each other and avoiding that "long walk" they'd flirted with the idea of earlier in the day.

Bruno, (Amira's fuzzy black & white Shitzu) takes the girl chatter in stride while scratching his bum.
"Bruno.. NOOO!" Says Amira over & over.
So instead he switches to starring obsessively at the one toy that is totally off-limits for him. "Not that one Bruno...here try this!"
But he'll have none of it pointing his nose in the air, exposing his under-bite and allowing it to settle into a slight snarl "he's smiling at you, I promise!" before continuing his previous cycle of scratching and toy-obsessing...

"So what shall we drink? White or Red?" Amira instinctively pulls out first a bottle of 2-buck Chuck Chardonnay and preps the corkscrew for action.
"Chardonnay? Hmmm. Does he have any Red?" Chrissie "suggests".
"I'll call him and see if we can open THIS one. It's made with Spanish grapes see?" Amira hands Chrissie the label on the much more "pricey" selection of Red. "I don't know what kind of grapes cuz it's all in Spanish.. but it's so good!"
Chrissie studies the label en Espanol todo. "Hmmm sounds good to me." As she silently curses the day her Mexican roots failed her. "Yee-ho-leigh" is the only slang her mother ever taught her...
Amira hangs up the phone with Nick and proceeds to open the bottle of Red (with Nick's permission) Turn, turn, turn....
"Hmmm. It's not lining up... this thing right here- it's supposed to click on so it'll pop off..." She explains.
Chrissie peers at the peculiar sight of the uneven corkscrew.
Unturn, unturn, turn, turn... Amira goes again & again, still not lining up.
"Let's just pull on it." Chrissie suggests and Amira shoots her an "are you CRAZY" kind of look before turn, turn, unturn, unturn, turn, turn- the ladies come to a final decision.
"Hold this down." Amira places the bottle on the floor and Chrissie grabs on with both hands. Amira's feet, first firmly planted on the ground also grip the bottle and her hands tighten onto the top of the corkscrew. She pulls. Yanks. Grunting furiously.
"It's coming!" Chrissie squeals! "You're almost there..." and POP!
The cork breaks in half.
"NOOOO!!!!!" Amira exclaims shoving the corkscrew into the remaining cork in the bottle. "It-must-not-fall-in!!!" She assumes her previous position of pull.
"I like screw top wine SO much better." Amira laments.
Bruno watches unamused in the corner.
Chrissie tightens her grip. Amira is serious. Turn, turn, pull, pull, pullllll---YANK! POP!
"Bravo!!!!" They cheer. The wine is saved and ready to breathe.

Georgia Rule continues on the flat screen and the girls faces darken over the plummeting plot line. "I can't believe they wasted cold hard CASH on this thing." They agree in total distress.

Suddenly, a black wet nose appears over the arm of the couch with full sniff... Bruno is on his hind legs still snooping for that pink porcupine flashing rubber toy!

Next, a familiar ring tone sounds on Amira's phone while Chrissie's beeps through with a missed call.... the girls decide to abort the floundering flick for a well-deserved phone break.

Georgia HELL will just have to wait.
And so will Bruno.

The End.

Retreat! Retreat!

2007-10-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

What was so Amazing about our Circle of Grace Retreat this weekend you wonder?

The cabin suggested to me by the owner of BB Cabins was named "Amazing Grace."
The planning committee team worked like a well-oiled machine and everyone pulled their weight so that we could all really relax and enjoy ourselves in between the hard work.
When I thought we had no worship leader but we'd make due... poof! Sarah S. did a fantastic job with such humility and bravery.
The weather was warm and clear which just made a very pleasant drive up, around and down.
When looking for gifts to suit our theme, we found a "circle" silver charm with the word "GRACE" on it- the perfect fit to our theme, along with another novelty item that sported the name Grace on the tag.
One of the girls trespassing onto private property allowed for a conversation with the owner of a future retreat location (right on the lake) that would accommodate the growth of participants perfectly!
When Lara, Erin & I went to "drive by" said property, the owner was on site, gave us a personal tour through the entire location, and fixed our coolant leak so we'd be safe driving home!
The EXACT same verse was used in the various readings and illustrations we'd prepared ahead of time about God's Glory and Grace... without any of us planning it or collaborating it-- God SHOWED us His GLORY!
Friendships bloomed and hearts were softened right before my eyes.
Women stepped up to challenges without complaint and allowed their talents to be used and tested in the most uncomfortable ways.
Everyone pitched in without complaint so we were either early or on time for every single activity from meals to small group, to check-out time.
We got be girly-girls while by being strong, goofy, tender, real, responsible, caring, open, vulnerable, raw, encouraged, taken care-of, blessed, important, sassy, and blunt.

In your journey with the Lord, and as you discover the Truth behind His Glory.... always remember:

We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life— those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength. - Oswald Chambers

Until next year!

Write Way.

2007-10-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

It's funny, but as soon as "life" happens, my inclination to write about "life" quiets down a bit and I realize that suddenly, there was so much to write about that I can't catch up. Sometimes I stop writing because all is awful, and I am so inside my head that there is just no way I'd ever let anyone in on the true and total mess of me. Other times I stop writing because schedule prevents the time to do so... these past few weeks though, I've stopped musing for a bit because I am at rest. I've come to a point in my life where my schedule has not slowed one bit, my thoughts have not shut off in the least, and the demands of my day have increased. And yet, I am at rest.
It feels good to be here.
I am trying my best not to ever overlook a moment of it or to take any of it for granted by "fretting" about kinds of outcomes that the future might bring about, because seriously, it's so nice to be able to just soak it all in and rest for however long God allows.

Jeremiah 11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

"Pull the Trigger"

2007-10-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Surrendering

you were full and fully capable

you were self sufficient and needless

your house was fully decorated in that sense

you were taken with me to a point

a case of careful what you wish for

but what you knew was enough to begin

and so you called and courted fiercely

so you reached out, entirely fearless

and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves

and I salute you for your courage

and I applaud your perseverance

and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces

that I represent

so you were in but not entirely

you were up for this but not totally

you knew how arms length-ing can maintain doubt

and so you fell and you're intact

so you dove in and you're still breathing

so you jumped and you're still flying if not shocked

and I support you in your trusting

and I commend you for your wisdom

and I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces

that I represent

you found creative ways to distance

you hid away from much through humor

your choice of armor was your intellect

and so you felt and you're still here

and so you died and you're still standing

and so you softened and you're still safely in command

self protection was in times of true danger

your best defense to mistrust and be wary

surrendering a feat of unequalled measure

and I'm thrilled to let you in

overjoyed to be let in

in kind

-Alanis Morisette

"Be Living Trophies of God's Grace"

2007-10-03T11:33:00.000-07:00

One month ago I snagged this devotion for my journal. Today, I rediscovered it and realized that as I have been wrestling with the topic discussion for our retreat on GRACE, I'd had the answer I was looking for all along.

We are to be living trophies of God's Grace. He showed me that Grace a month ago, and years before, and then today. And I Love Him for it.

I pray you too, will be blessed by the devotion my own heart has finally grasped the meaning of.

Father, Teach me how and what to pray . . .
MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST by Oswald Chambers
Aug 6, 2007
We too often think of the Cross of Christ as something we have to get through, yet we get through for the purpose of getting into it. The Cross represents only one thing for us— complete, entire, absolute identification with the Lord Jesus Christ— and there is nothing in which this identification is more real to us than in prayer.

"Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him" ( Matthew 6:8 ). Then why should we ask? The point of prayer is not to get answers from God, but to have perfect and complete oneness with Him. If we pray only because we want answers, we will become irritated and angry with God. We receive an answer every time we pray, but it does not always come in the way we expect, and our spiritual irritation shows our refusal to identify ourselves truly with our Lord in prayer. We are not here to prove that God answers prayer, but to be living trophies of God’s grace.

". . . I do not say to you that I shall pray the Father for you; for the Father Himself loves you . . ." ( John 16:26-27 ). Have you reached such a level of intimacy with God that the only thing that can account for your prayer life is that it has become one with the prayer life of Jesus Christ? Has our Lord exchanged your life with His vital life? If so, then "in that day" you will be so closely identified with Jesus that there will be no distinction.

When prayer seems to be unanswered, beware of trying to place the blame on someone else. That is always a trap of Satan. When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason— God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else but you.

Comedic Timing

2007-09-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

Although I can't fully connect to most "guy" humor, and have constant differing opinions about what and who is funny... I think that box sexes can agree on the level of wit mastered by Comedian...

Jerry Seinfeld.

Since his hit show went off the air 9 years ago and entered syndication (which, I STILL watch nightly), he's settled down and had 3 kids, and guess what? He's still funny. Maybe even arguably funnier with his new perspectives?

If you are a fan like I know you are, it's a must read, and his video interview within the TIME article (about 2 mins.) is a crack-up as he talks about the way he entertains his kids.

Love ya Jer!

If Beyonce played Beth Moore....

2007-09-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Many of you have heard me rave about Beth Moore & Kay Arthur (Women Bible Teachers) and how I got the opportunity to go to one of their conferences with my friend Lara back in February of this year... after Lara and I survived an almost disgraceful rendition of "We Are Family", we both came away incredibly blessed by the messages from the speakers that day.

My favorite part though, was the Q&A session with all three ladies-- think of a quirky "Christian" version of THE VIEW. Recently, they did a similar conference and posted the Q&A on their blog and continue to keep me laughing while ingesting their wise pearls of wisdom through the truth of God's word. I thought I'd re post one of the answers they gave that has a lot to do with submission in marriage and in ALL roles as a woman. This is a topic I am always trying to grow in and one that always comes up amongst the girls I serve with too. So I thought I'd share it with the rest of you. (For the original post and the rest of the recap, click the title of this post!)

Panel: Beth Moore, Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shier
Question: How do you get your husband to speak your love language? (And somehow this question led into a lot more than what is shared below!)
It may be rough and tough at times, but hang in there. Kay and Jack married 42 years. Two deepest fears of a man: Ephesians 5-fear of being ruled over by a woman and Ephesians 5:33-and see that the wife respects her husband. Studies often show that the women who are more dependent often have a better marriage. Here, in this panel, you have three strong women but working at their marriages. Kay reminded the women at the event that it is the male ego-God gave it to them. Don't challenge his authority.

Beth shared that the one of the best lessons on submission she ever heard was by Dr. Tony Evans (Priscilla's dad). If women understood the true meaning of submission you would not fight it. Submission is learning to duck so God can hit your husband. Referring to 1 Peter 5:6 and being humble. This type of submission is true in marriage, in the workplace, or anywhere. Bend the knee. Christ was equal with the Father as the head. It doesn't demean you to have a head or authority over you.

Priscilla wanted to address the single women-Live in the freedom of the Spirit without feeding the flesh. Live a joyful life. You have great opportunities. All people who are married are not happy. Unhappy singles make unhappy married people. Work it out in advance. Loneliness is not a reason to get married. Many people are lonely in the marriage and in singleness. Find contentment in the season you are in. Sex outside of marriage is wrong. Take advantage of your singleness to serve the Lord. The ladies referred to 1 Corinthians 7:34 and unobstructed devotion to the Lord.

This short summary doesn't begin to capture the roars of laughter or the truth of scripture applied as Kay, Beth, and Priscilla answered the panel questions. It is a joy to hear these women of God share God's word, their experiences and insights, their very lives with us. I'll watch their "talk show" anytime!

"We cared so much for you that we were pleased to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become dear to us." (1 Thess. 2:8 HCSB)

Takin' care of da ladies....

2007-09-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

Either I am turning into a total sap or this was seriously adorable.

I <3 A Heart Like His!

2007-09-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

For the past 11 weeks, the girls at Shoreline and I have been going through Beth Moore's workbook study about David: A HEART LIKE HIS.

I must admit-- it being a Beth Moore study, I had high expectations for it. Fortunately, my expectations were exceeded, and it wasn't so much about Beth's writing style, or her hairstyles on the video segments, or the topical discussion questions that really did it for me, it was the truth of the scriptures that revealed God's sovereignty and that unfolded week by week like a good juicy episodic saga (better than The Hills!) I mean seriously, 1, 2 Samuel, 1, 2 Chronicles, 1 Kings, and Psalms all interweave to reveal the kind of characters, drama, love, betrayal, violence, plot twists and supernatural interventions that MAKE Blockbuster hits like Braveheart and Transformers pale in comparison.

Sometimes, the girls and I would just laugh over the absurdity of a question from our homework like "how do you think Goliath would have dressed?" or "write an obituary about Saul." What the--? Unfortunately in those instances I really had to come to terms with my rebellious side and just allow myself to skip, skip without guilt because that kind of stuff was really distracting to what was happening in the verses.

But then, there were those specific weeks where I found myself in the middle of a passage in 2 Samuel reading about David's own rebellion and unforgiveness, and then had to encounter Beth's probing questions in which I would immediately respond with "Oh crap" and "Sunuva . . ." and ended up bawling my eyes out over the pieces of my own heart I found mirrored on those pages. If I allowed it, this study uprooted weekly some incredibly HARD truths between me and the Lord, but it always lead to the best prayer times, and heart-changing stuff I will not soon forget.

As I witnessed David flee from his OWN SON and the very throne GOD had given to Him, it made me remember the significance of God's plans for my life. For every relationship, every position, every work, and situation I "end up in" and how often I am tempted to (or have) run for my life from something I feared when God had me the whole time!

In my frustrations with David's behaviors, it occurred to me that this frustrating man was one that the lord said "I have found David . . . a man after my own heart." (Acts 13:22) And that to me, became the most precious thing about this study. As we studied a "character" named David, we became closely acquainted with the "character" of God. One full of mercy, forgiveness, sovereignty, true to His Word, protector, compassionate, sensitive, all-knowing, just, victorious, the list is endless!

Today, we said Goodbye to David, to our small group time together, and while the Fall will bring about new groups on new nights with new attendees and leaders at the helm; I can't get one of the most important lessons from this study out of my head, that Jesus came from this bloodline of David, (on JOSEPH'S side mind you) and continues to reign on the throne that God established so long ago!

This wasn't just a Bible Study, this was a stark reminder of God's sovereign grace and mercy to all of us, because the entire time, God had something bigger in mind, and that was sending His Son Jesus as our savior, someone David would never even live to see!

David loved the Lord, but he fell short time and time again. He was disobedient, an adulterer, he let his sons get away with rape and murder, and the entire time, the Lord was "with David". In his old age, David passed the throne down to his son Solomon, and with it words of wisdom about serving the Lord, and doing right in His eyes, and instead of resenting him for getting to be King after failing so badly, I hoped my own heart would follow after the Lord as closely - even in the midst of my darkest and furthest falls. Because the Lord chose David when he was just a shepherd boy, He became King over Israel. Not because he deserved it, or was a good enough guy, but because the Lord chose Him.

It gives me chills.

If you are ever uncertain about God's character, spend some time getting to know the character named David. It's quite a ride.

Labor Day Entertainment in the Palisades.

2007-09-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

Canine Nascar

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USC vs. UCLA or what happens when rivals become one flesh...

2007-09-01T09:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked a historical event on many levels.
Malanya Martin married Rome Douglas.
A Bruin Basketballer became wife to Trojan Footballer. They had jungle fever. She was at least 6'3 (in flats), he was 6'7. There were 12 bridesmaids and 12 groomsmen.
It was the most lively, fun, and beautiful wedding filled with most good-looking people I've filmed all year!

I was tipped off to be ready with my camera at exactly 9pm for a top secret surprise, and wouldn't you know it, at exactly 8:50pm, the cake cutting began, and the mic on my camera crapped out. This isn't the MOST horrible thing to happen during the cake cutting because nothing important is being said, and you put music over it anyways, but there was something bigger about to happen. Something I'd HAVE to get audio on . . .

I taped the cake cutting knowing full well it would be in complete silence, brainstorming my way out of what was ahead. I always bring a backup camera for times like these, and after I caught the shot, I ran to my bag, pulled out my camcorder, popped the tape out of my GL2 and picked up filming where I'd left off on my miniDV just as the surprise unfolded. Boy was I pissed.

The photographer and I had been chatting off and on all night tipping eachother off to the next shot to "get" and he noticed I'd changed cameras at that inopportune time . . . but I kept my cool and simply smiled "My audio is gone...not convenient..." He just made a face like, good luck with that one and left to go point & shoot.

9pm hits and the DJ clears the dance floor for an oblivious groom when the double doors open to reveal a suited up brass band. In marches in the USC marching band with the Trojan Mascot running wildly amongst the crowd, arms flailing to pump up the crowd! I am capturing everything on my stinkin' little ity-bity camcorder just relieved I am actually getting SOMETHING on tape for them, and the groomsmen go absolutely CRAZY.

Picture this. 12 groomsmen, all related to or teammates of the groom. The biggest bad-ass uys you've ever seen jumping up and down while the bridal party (also the tallest girls you've ever seen) heckle, boo, hiss. Grandmas, babies, and guests with or without any alliances take sides and a fight-song" dance off ensues.

It was amazing.

In all the commotion, Mr. Trojan Man accidentally PUNCHES the bride right in the face! Mascara runs, tears stream, and a bloodshot eye. She tries to compose herself before too many people notice she's been hit, and I keep the camera off her and on the bouncing girl Bruin bear that has just entered in on all the commotion. The band transitions from the USC fight song to the 8-clap. Now the ladies are happy. Oh yes.

All the while, my miniDV is holding up quite nicely. As if I doubted her. She's documented trips to Scotland, the South Pacific, and the birth of Shoreline church. Flawlessly. People were too pumped to noticed I'd down-graded, and the bride was too busy nursing her black eye.

After the band and the mascots exited, the dance floor was in complete chaos. Everyone was in the best mood possible. Mothers were swing dancing with sons, husbands grabbed their wives to bump and grind, and the Bruins and Trojans became family. By this time (of course) I'd had time to switch out the mic on my other camera and gain audio again, and although it was a slight bummer, the only one that will really notice any change in picture quality during that historic event would be me.

I came away from that wedding thinking about the amount of fun that couple had during their reception, and how it had affected every guest surrounding. And how the photographers and I had the glory of getting all caught up in the action pushing our lenses in the faces of delighted people. I mean, I am fanatic for football MOVIES, and here I was almost in the middle of the same kind of excitement filming one!

I always tell people after all of these weddings, I don't think I'll need my own big one. I still feel that way. I mean, seriously, think of all the drama I would have missed out on had I been that distracted bride punched in the eye.

Still, now I am beginning to wish that Loyola Marymount had a football team and a specific rival. Because that part of the night would have been something I'd want to copy at mine for sure.

Oh, and I am sure that if you are a USC fan you would have recognized a grip of players... but I really had no clue who I was filming or talking too from one moment to the next. But I did Google Rome. There was a picture of him in his gear.... so at least now I know who he is!

Obscurity births Leaders and other musings...

2007-08-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Fresh out of college I started my career in the workforce on a "temporary" basis. I'd gone though film school to discover that the last thing I wanted to ultimately do is "direct". Spending time on sets (either back stage or on location for a film) had sucked up any and all of my college social life and although I would NEVER give the experience back, I came out knowing one thing about where I was headed: where I DIDN'T want to go.

So I gave the "office space" world a go, and after 4 miserable months working as an assistant to an Agent for some "high profile clients" (yeah, right... they were B list at most) my boss at the time sat me down one afternoon after mis-spelling someone's name on the "to call list" (that by the way was for her eyes only) and told me that she never wanted to me have any contact with any of her clients again- either on the phone or in person, and that her "other assistant" would handle it. I looked her in the eye through my gushing tears, deflated at the fact that I couldn't even be trusted to take a message from Rutger Hauger and said "then what am I here for?" And she told me "I don't want the hassle of hiring someone new."

I quit the next day, and although I didn't totally believe that I was inept, something inside me wondered if she had been right. And then I met Tom Cairns.

While unemployed I worked a temp job at NBC there was a specific SVP that wandered through the office. He was my Dad's age, and always looked me in the eye and used my name. Me. A Temp. That girl that wasn't allowed to talk on the phone to celebs. weeks before. Something was different about Tom, and it was the lack of his ego. As I finished up the project there he called me into his office and told me that he wanted to hire me as his assistant because he'd seen how hard I worked.

He was my boss for the next 5 years.

He was the kind of boss that never lost his temper, never spoke down to me, or punished me for a tiny mistake. Over the years, he always checked in with me to make sure I was pursuing my dreams and sent me to meetings with other execs in the creative fields I expressed interest in. Working for him, I really didn't mind that I wasn't busting my butt on a show, or pulling all-nighters on the set, because I was happy! I always wondered if having that job delayed any kind of industry successes I could have fallen into had I been more transient. But it's not the wondering filled with regret, it's relief.

I didn't find out until after I was hired that he was a Christian and actually taught a few classes at a Seminary. He told me "my Dad and my brother are both pastors, I was the black sheep for pursuing entertainment."

I can't tell you what an impression Tom made on me before I knew anything about who he was, I just knew he was different than the rest.

I left that job 3 years ago and we recently caught up. After 30 years of working for NBC, they let him go. "Restructuring". I told him about my crazy career move to reduce the hours at my day job in order to travel first and then try to go freelance with this wedding video gig. He raised his just raised his eyebrows as he listened the way he always did. The next day though, he sent me an email telling me how proud he was of me, that I seemed so "mature" and that he too, was launching his own consulting business.

With that, he sent me his website & blog and I've enjoyed his occasional musings. Get to know him too! There's wisdom and character all in one place.

Cairns Blaner LLC

A touchy subject worth . . . touching?

2007-08-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

In an effort to stay a bit more current on events and to actually read more about what is going on in the world, I've taken up pursuing Newsweek. The following article caught my attention for several reasons, but the main ones are :

1) My brother is a former Marine

2) During my travels to & from New Zealand EVERY single new person I met and talked to upon learning I was an American asked "what do you think of your idiot President sending more soldiers to Iraq?" I hated the arrogance in which that question was presented to me. I got defensive for my country and for the boys out there who were in the line of fire - probably thinking at that very moment how nice it would be to be traveling in New Zealand instead of where they are. I always tried to set my defense aside and gently say "War is a horrible thing, it means people are going to die, but I appreciate the fact that our boys are putting their lives on the line in my place amidst the horrible circumstances. I support our troops." I refused to talk about the political side of it to a person who wasn't an American.

That said, this article was an interesting read. I don't have a son so I can't relate it directly to my own flesh and I would just sob if my brother was still active and called to duty in Iraq. But there is something in this article to consider. As "horrible and tragic" a thing as war is.

Why We Need a Draft: A Marine's Lament
He was in the firefights of Fallujah. He saw gaps in America's arsenal that he believes can only be filled when America's elite puts its sons on the battlefield. A plea for selective service.

MAN I love reading this Blog....

2007-08-23T23:12:00.000-07:00

No, not THIS blog- that would make me super egotistical....

This

"Fun"

2007-08-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today to my surprise I crossed paths with my brother Brian, who was moving some of his left over furniture and tools into my parent's place. (He's tying up some loose ends in CA before moving to Arizona).

His roommate, (also named Brian) was telling me about the house they rented in AZ- 4 bedrooms, overlooking a lake, with a pool.

"Hey, you should come visit us . . ." Brian (brother) offers.
"Totally. When can I?" I answer enthused- eating up any interest he has in having me around him for an entire weekend.
"September. The weather will be bearable by then." Brian (bro)
"Right now, you go out and tan super dark in like 10 mins." Brian (bro) continues
"Yeah, so, will you and Jaime and Tyson can come visit? Brian (roommate) extends my brother's invitation. "You can lay out by the pool or lake, tan . . . wait, do you ever even "lay out"?" He looks perplexed as he ponders the mental image of the scenario.
"Of course!" I laugh
"Well, it's just you seem like the type that is always saying no to fun things because you have to go do work!" Brian (roommate) explains.
"Well . . . I tan, I lay out. I have . . . fun . . ." I start over-thinking here
"Cool." Brian (roommate)
"Whatever, we'll probably be working most of the time too." Brian (bro)
(me still over-thinking)
"Well, I'm coming to visit, and I am going to TAN!" I insist.
"K, well see ya guys." Brian (bro)
"Bye Wankes!" Brian (roommate)
"See ya Brians!"

And I watch them pile into the truck and drive off into the sunset as I push away any stark realizations that my reputation states that I am a work-a-holic or that people (guys) are unable to picture me having any fun . . .

And Scene.

Oh, Alistar....

2007-08-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have a workout/church buddy in Westlake where, every other month or so we get together to shoot the breeze, while power walking 6+ miles around the lake in her hood or doing those horrible stairs in mine, and we'll always talk about God, religion, church, the Bible, work, boys...

She and I met while on an Outrigger Canoe team in 2001 and during our race in Hawaii she was "stuck" in a hotel room with me and both my siblings so she inevitably became one of the family. During our explorations of the Kona Is. volcano my brother drove the dark windy streets, and my sister navigated in the front seat, while Michelle and I chatted it up in the back and then she asked me all the hardest questions in the world. I remember telling her (without apology) the hardest truths about salvation and sin with my brother and sister quietly listening and then confirming their own beliefs in what I'd told her. I thought that would be the end of our friendship to be honest, but instead, her curiosity about God's love sealed our friendship in a way I never could have imagined. Michelle is one of my favorite people in the world, and she's unique in our friendship because she knows my sister, brother and parents almost as much as she knows me! She's one of those girlfriends that never kept me at a "mentor" distance because I happened to be able to offer "answers" about the Christian faith and equally offers me a shoulder to cry on. Constantly.

I can't believe it's been 6 years since we bonded over those horrific workouts in the ocean! We still do our best to maintain that friendship even though we don't see each other regularly. She attends church on her own now, and I try to go with her whenever I am on her side of town. So when she mentioned that a guest speaker was going to be preaching on a particular weekend we made another date to help "maintain" that relationship, and "coincidentally" this entire week this same preacher (Alistar Begg) has been featured on Family Life Today in the mornings during my drive in to work.

The topic? Relationships.
His Scottish accent and wit have always held my attention, but he also has a very blunt and matter-of-fact way of confirming the "hardest truths" about God's will for our lives. If you have the time I highly recommend tuning into the series. If nothing else, you'll laugh, and hopefully fall in Love with the truth of God's Word as he rolls his rrrr's.

You can download the transcript if you don't have time to listen too...

I'll let you know what else Alistar Begg has to say to Calvary Westlake on August 18th!

Now, if they could only get a hold of Good ol' Tommy Nelson . . . then Michelle and I could have another good reason to gab!

Boyz to Men

2007-08-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

Another interesting article appeared recently in TIME Magazine; about boyhood which brings to mind the call to MANHOOD in our churches.

Worrying about our boys--reading and writing books about them, wringing our hands over dire trends and especially taking more time to parent them--is paying off. The next step is to let them really blossom, and for that we have to trust them, give them room. The time for fearing our sons, or fearing for their futures, is behind us. The challenge now is to believe in them.

Skin

2007-08-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

The subject of "modesty" is constantly on my mind. Everyday I choose what to wear I make decisions about it, embrace (or sometimes ignore) it and marvel at the length of shorts and skirts and cuts in shirts on every girl around me. In a few months, a friend and I will be talking to young girls at my sister's church about how to rock their fashion and how to do so with modesty. I am looking forward to it because I know it can be done!

The Christian community is always calling us ladies to modesty. Yet, society (and yes- even church attenders) highly discourage it with what they tell us looks better on us. I think I realize now that not only do I try to dress modestly to be an example to other girls, but I am also super rebellious and as our culture encourages more and more skin at a younger and younger age to turn heads, I find myself silently protesting by piling on more and more layers as a sort of take THAT you -----.

Sometimes I'll admit, it's a total bummer to be more casual than sex-pot but finally even modern society is beginning to call us all back to a time of leaving much more to the imagination . . . and although I am tempted not to believe them when they encourage the beauty and appreciation in being modest, I am thrilled to whole-heartedly agree and encourage every woman reading this to join the revolution!

Now, here's what NEWSWEEK had to say.

Here's Mud in your Pie.

2007-07-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

My Google Reader List pointed me to TWO recent posts about Feminism today which I could see as either coincidental or important. Maybe both? The issue of "being Feminist" is not often on my mind (because if I have to take a side- I choose anti) but the subjects that Feminism addresses are. Constantly.

The first post is from a friend/student who goes to my church. She's taking a class on Feminism and it's always interesting to read about what they bombarding students with.

The other post is a two-for because this woman is responding to another post and talks a bit about the female "role" and expectations within society.

I'm not sure if my own personal recount (coming at you next) falls into the category of "Feminism" but it definitely falls into line with a question that both Blogs pose: Do we know what we want? Or do we want what we think we do because society conditions us to?

Something strange has started to happen to me as of late that makes me severely uncomfortable with myself. It's the whole "I want to be wanted." The Bible teaches us that we are to be content in every situation- every stage, every "role", and after assessing my "stage" and my "roles" and then assessing the other women that I am surrounded by in their "stages" and in their "roles" I went and did something I am not proud of- I went and wanted something else.

Was it society's fault? Yeah. Partly. But society isn't responsible for my own contentment, it's mine and by mine I mean Christ's. But I can choose to be there- to have joy in every life-stage with our without what I think I want. And for the last few months I admit it- I chose instead to want something more- something else INSTEAD of contentment in Christ while I am here- something I never wanted.

What IS contentment anyway? Because so far for me, it means I've walked alone. It means I walk in denial of me wanting something. It means that I am not allowed to wonder or complain or think "what the HECK am I doing wrong that she got right?" or that I am even supposed to talk about wanting it lest I be"pathetic" or "desperate" or -gasp- ill-content!

Contentment is all of these things. And before you call me a blasphemer let me explain something . . . the only time I am truly content is the times that I realize my wants, admit them, cry over them, and accept them. Contentment or "confidence" doesn't mean I stop wanting. It means I accept the fact that God made me the way I am (with wants and all) for His purpose, and wired me a certain way when he made me female. It means that as a female, I realize that I was created to crave and desire certain stages in life but that doesn't mean they are guaranteed. It means that those desires are natural, and good, and a part of what makes me, me- and it doesn't mean that I am desperate, ill-content, or unhappy-- but it means that there is something that I will feel is missing. Because I was created for it! That feeling isn't the end of the world - it isn't the whole world. But it's a feeling that I'll need to deal with, wrestle, and submit to Christ in that contentment for as long as He desires me to do.

Today, I don't "feel" content in this current life-stage. It's lonely, it's daunting, and sometimes, it down-right sucks. But it's because I have allowed myself to get caught up in participating in something that I never truly believed in. It was a race towards "being wanted" --by a society that tells us everyday we need to compete harder, look better, be younger, and be more or less feminist for. I thought that if I worked hard enough- and looked like I didn't "need" a man then a man from this "current/hip" generation would want me. Then I thought that if I discovered the value of raising a family and being domestic, then a Godly man would want me. Me. Me. My focus this entire time has been on me. I knew this and even admitted it when I was running in that pack. I still even am in a way. But I'm finally so incredibly tired of the race.

It doesn't mean those wants have gone away . . . it means I get to cry over the cold-hard fact that I can't ever perform hard enough to help me grasp those wants more and remember that even though there will be others racing around me that will tempt me to jump in and run faster- they aren't ever going to run "enough" either- they just haven't hit their own walls yet. (And for some, the racing will even lead to triumph!)

The Lord constantly asks me: "Do you Trust me?" That is what I am discovering where true contentment lies. In His question to my heart. Do I? Even if all the wants and desires he's wired me for are never fulfilled-- do I trust Him? I do. I do.

But man-- lately that trust . . . really hurts.

My new obsession . . .

2007-07-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

My sister Jaime, is always so gracious when I drill her about finding new music for me. She allows me to steal her own obsessions and finds, and will even send me CD's in the mail of artists she knows will rock my soul.

My friend Liz, (the one born with soul) and I have our own personal CD trading party where, every few months we'll hand the other a CD dedicated to the other filled with tunes that a) remind us of one another or b) we want each other to discover.

Then there are the multiple receptions I've filmed where certain tunes will ALWAYS get the crowd grooving, and others that will easily clear the dance floor. Although I wouldn't opt to pop the CD into my car, I've discovered that Latin and swing music will always motivate people to "shake that thang"-- thus my secret love was birthed for Salsa. The guys who do dance- DANCE to this stuff, meanwhile the girls get to be flung all over the place, dipped, twirled, tossed, it's just fun to witness.

And then there is my favorite ice-breaker question of all time where I drill new people I meet about their favorite artists and it's amazing what genres of music you can be introduced to by asking semi-strangers what's on their current ipod playlist. Most of the time, that person will blush a bit before divulging his/her top five but once we connect on at least one of their preferred artists, the conversation can flow-- allowing a comradery sealed with a "secret handshake."

Because of that, I have had a blast on my short commutes around the city blasting my most current number one's inspired by other people's play lists, and now I'll provide the same for you!

Here are a few artists (current and past) that "Rock my World":

Ray LaMontagne - Trouble is on constant repeat but I also fancy Forever My friend and Jaime tells me that his other tracks are worth the discovery!
Jose Gonzalez - (He's been recommended to me by a few people)
Feist
Timmy Curran
Joshua Radin - Closer is a fav. / his stuff is featured on Scrubs
Damien Rice
Radiohead - Never, ever forget them. Ever.
Timbaland - I love him because I love beats. And he mixes his beats with some of the most dance-able artists out there. I didn't say they were deep or talented. I said dance-able.
Kat Deluca - Whine up (speaking of dance-able)
Justin Timberlake - He grew on me. Because he was a boy band member I wanted to hate him. I promise. Then he went and mixed with Timbaland and uh. Hello?
Michael Jackson - You Rock My World (we love to hate him- but this song is SO cutting edge for the time period it was recorded. Try not moving to the beat. I dare ya.)
Nat King Cole & Barry White - Don't forget about these brothas' their stuff is timeless and totally sexy!

I am always on the hunt for new hits to blast, so next time you see me. Educate me!

Let's hear it for shaggy-haired smooth-voiced acoustic guitar-playing red-headed duets!

"Light" reading

2007-07-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

This Article spoke volumes to me today. I have fortunately never been exactly there, but sometimes I've walked dangerously close to the edge of it. The author's words are raw and real and not sugar-coated and it's why I appreciate this "Webzine" so much. Because underneath it all, the thing that matters, the truth, always points us back to the sovereignty of Christ.

His kamikaze is my crow!

These past couple of months have been full of ups and downs with disappointments, triumphs, lessons learned, and even times of "waking up". It seems to have all really sped up after my rendezvous with my crow (and yes, I will keep writing about it for a very long time to come so don't get sick of it just yet). That incident happened during a very "high" point and so I couldn't understand it the way that I was supposed to until a week later when I realized that I had no capacity to surrender myself to God the way that bird had done to me, and then bang! More tests came, and disappointments, and struggles of the heart, and things to grieve . . .

Through everything the image of that helpless/surrendered crow has stuck, and in every little after-shock I feel God's peace a bit out of reach until I realize He is always asking me "Do you trust me?"

Sometimes I answer "yes" because it's ingrained in me to do so. Other times, I trust Him because it's all I have, or because He the ONLY one I can bear to trust at that moment . . . and you know, He hands me that peace every time no matter the motives behind my answer. It doesn't make Him easier to understand, but it makes Him trustworthy.

I hope this article is an encouragement to you if you are walking out a similar journey.
God's will be done! Trust in Him.